Tag Archives: patience

Five Reasons I’m Not A Great Homeschooler

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There is no such thing as a perfect fit. How often do we find ourselves saying, “Well, in a perfect world…” but the ellipsis itself answers the question. Here are some reasons I’m not the world’s best homeschooling mother.

1) I have too much to do.

We run a large (comparing acres to number of employees) family farm. I do a large chunk of the office work, along with being ‘on call’ to run parts, people or vehicles at any time. I’m not sure it adds up to 40 a week, but it’s not too far from that. I volunteer in our Parish. I run (almost) every day. I blog (albeit inconsistently). I am obsessed with nutrition and want to make everything from scratch and have sliced, fresh, *living* food every day. I’m sure I don’t’ have to explain to you that there just aren’t THAT many hours in a single day. So I’m constantly juggling what needs to be done RIGHT NOW and what can wait a few days. Which brings us quickly to number two:

2) What can “wait a few days” is typically housework.

I have an entire category named “our house and the drudgery that is cleaning it.” Seriously, need I say much more? I try to stay on a schedule but honestly, it is never going to be as important to me as the items I just listed in my first reason. Which is such poor way of managing life because the secret here is that I absolutely HATE when the house gets away from me. It makes me crazy. And depressed. And I’m mortified when someone drops by, which is always (literally, without fail) one of the two weeks of the year I’ve literally let everything go.

3) Lack of patience.

Many of you who read this are going to laugh. How could a person who homeschools be impatient? Many of my friends will protest, “You are SO patient! I’ve seen you! You handle your children so well!” And to you my dear friend I say, could you please-please-pretty-pretty-please-with-sugar-on-top come and hang out at my house all the time? Because I am ever so much more patient with an audience.

4) I am overconfident.

I tend to be like this in every aspect of my life until reality (or having a baby) knocks me back with a hard punch of humility. I have an “everything is going to work out just perfectly” attitude about most everything, most of the time. It’s unrealistic and unfair. It sets me up for disappointment, and worse for disappointing.

5) Can anyone say scatterbrain?

My mother is still horrified because I admitted to her that (already) once this year I forgot to take my sixth grader to band. I mean it – completely forgot. Didn’t even realize it until the next day. I’ve done the same thing with tutoring. And playdates. And a dentist appointment. Once, at the end of a school year, I found an entire piece of curriculum I’d purchased and totally forgotten to use at any point. It wasn’t written on my schedule, so I never thought of it again (even though it was sitting right there on the school shelf alongside everything we were applying each day). Honestly, that’s quite ridiculous.

So there you have it. The top five items that create a poor fit between myself and our lifestyle. Yet I’m doing it, and it is going really well. Proof, once again, that if I can homeschool, anyone can.

Predictably, you can look for a post about why I’m great at homeschooling coming soon.

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Some of our spring activities this week:

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We set strawberries for the first time this year! Aren’t they cute? The onions and peas are waiting to sprout on the left.

I found some pansies in memory of my husband’s mommy – they didn’t have her favorite yellow/dark purples, so I went with a more KSU-esque shade.

I thought of my own mother when we planted bulbs to spruce up this flower bed. I vividly remember the childhood moments I spent ahhhing with Mom over her red tulips. I let Little Cowgirl choose three – she also picked red.

Shooter has asked for blueberry bushes every year since he was four. Imagine if I’d had time to put them in way back then (he’ll be eleven in a couple of weeks!) how many berries we could have enjoyed. Better late than never. Notice the “I’m-so-cool-without-a-shirt-on” look.

I’m in love with these little mounding perennials – but of course I’ve already forgotten their name.

To wrap up, I would like to share with you one of the best. stories. ever.

Cowgirl followed one of the chickens (we have been free-ranging them during the day) to the chicken house while we were planting the aforementioned bushes. She kept telling us that Red was going to lay an egg. We kept saying things like “that’s great,” “cool,” and “maybe so” as we worked away. Farmer Boy rode over to check her story and even kept watch with her for a few minutes.

I bet she stood there for half an hour. I’m not even kidding you. She kept telling us “Here it comes! Here it comes!”

We finished up planting, watering and mulching around the bushes. We cleaned up all the tools. We picked up the rest of the yard.

I was just taking a breath to let her know it’s time to go inside and get ready for our activity that evening when she spins to face me, arms thrown open, mouth open wide, eyes like moons, gasping and laughing.

She had been right all along.

Of course, then we had to have a conversation about her questions regarding the hole the egg came out of, and do cats have a hole for their kittens to come out of, and what happens to mommy’s holes after they don’t have babies anymore, and even really OLD ladies have holes?

Have a great weekend and happy St Patty’s birthdays to my two best girls – you know who you are. xo

In which I babble about being indecisive.

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Well.  I had one sick yesterday (vomiting-waiting for the next kid to begin now) so the pace we expected of our day changed rapidly and instead of shuffling around to activities, we stayed home, did some quiet school and reading together, watched PBS and did some free-form building with hammers, nails and scrap wood outside.

 

We just finished reading The Apple And The Arrow and the kids loved it.  As with most of our read-aloud novels, we finished a week ahead of schedule because everyone keeps begging “PLEEEEEEEASE can we read just a little more?!”  My favorite part of reading this book together was when we heard the description of the Austrian King’s nasty governor and Farmer Boy piped up with malice “He’s just like PRINCE JOHN!” (from Robin Hood.)

 

And I spent a lot of time sitting beside the sick kid – waiting for the next upchuck – giving myself a headache looking at curriculum for next year.  I’ve was planning on CHC for all the kids, but I’ve been re-doing all my  curriculum research to find something for Farmer Boy that will be as compatible as possible with his dyslexia.  I should probably just create a dyslexic curriculum by grade that will make me a ton of money help other families who want to homeschool their dyslexic kid.  Someone remind me to do that later…

 

I haven’t seen anything to indicate that CHC is not as compatible as (or even better than) any of the other curriculum out there.  But I’m still unsure if this is the way to go for us.  I feel that, if given the time, I could put together an excellent program for a dyslexic third grader who loves farming more than pretty much anything in the world.  And that IS one of the reasons we wanted to homeschool – the ability to meet the specific needs of each child individually and with flexibility.

 

And at the same time, I am unconvinced that anything I do (which would take the entire summer) would be better than just using the CHC curriculum strait from the box and modifying it as much as possible for his needs.

 

I spent a lot of my time on the Internet today trying to find audio recordings of the books he would be reading next year.  Not a lot of luck.  However, I’m not sure I want to switch to an entirely different curriculum just so that I can have one subject on audio.  One of the ideas born from this process is to write his reading curriculum only, writing it around which grade-level books that I like are available for download, and just substitute it for the CHC reading.

 

I also could utilize some of the three-years-worth of Sonlight individual reading materials that came with the Cores we have used if I were to write a separate plan for his reading.

 

And in trying to decide what to include in this post (See!  MORE indecision!) I realized I’d never really updated the situation after this post about how to approach Farmer Boy’s dyslexia.

 

After writing that post, I really centered my approach with Farmer Boy around the idea that something new for him requires a process – one that seems long to people like me – that is going to take time.  The harder I push and the more I work toward it will only make him feel more pressured and rushed, filled with anxiety and unable to focus at all on the original idea or change.

 

This also helped me in deciding to interview (and eventually select) a tutor.  The person we chose is a lovely, fabulous retired teacher who, after visiting with me on the phone, told me in no uncertain terms that she could not give me a timeline for how long this program would take because she would be moving at Farmer Boy’s pace.  She also suggested a meeting to “see if she and Farmer Boy are a good fit.”  After that meeting, it was obvious this was the direction we needed to go.  And because I kept telling Farmer Boy we were just looking into it, we were still deciding, there were lots of steps left (talk on the phone, meet for an interview, discuss schedule, discuss price, discuss payment options) and that helped him feel that there was no rush.  And still, it all happened on my timeline.  I just needed to present it in a less aggressive way.  The other tutors I had been in touch with had all had points in their favor (aggressive personality like mine, children of their own with dyslexia, location nearby, taught a friend’s child, available more often, less expensive, etc etc etc) but none of these alone were a reason to choose them and none of them were so perfect for my little guy.  This is also what led us to choose a professional rather than continuing to work exclusively at home – I felt it would be advantageous to Farmer Boy’s learning speed and confidence if he could work with someone who has a more compatible personality with his.

 

Since then the rest of it has fallen into place and Farmer Boy spends three days each week with his friend working on Alphabet Phonics (An Orton-Gillingham, multi-sensory program for dyslexics).  During two of those days, the main Dojong for Shooter’s TaeKwonDo class (which just happens to be en route) teaches a class during the same time period.  Little Cowgirl and I have been saving her phonics and reading to do during the hour of tutoring (the teacher kindly lets us use her basement playroom).  And best of all, Farmer Boy really likes it.

 

So I guess even though I feel undecided and currently without enough guidance in choosing curriculum for next year, I’m trusting that it will come together.  Something valuable I have learned from Farmer Boy is the importance of taking things one step at a time.  And sometimes, letting something sit for awhile is necessary for processing it (who knew!).  I’m going to take some time to let all of the things I read and saw yesterday shift around in my head and perhaps they will have more order and sense to them the next time I revisit the need to select curriculum.  And even though I *want* to decide RIGHT NOW, I don’t actually have to.  Eventually, when I have enough information and have taken the time to really consider each child’s and our family’s needs as a whole, I will be able to be decisive.

 

 

Failure to Communicate

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So we are having a great discussion yesterday evening between activities.  I was trying something new and had double-booked us for two nights this month – yeah, I know, what was I thinking? More on that later - so we were driving from swimming lessons in one town to religious classes in another.

As we were zipping along, we were discussing what time it was, how far we had left to go, what time the classes began and what would be happening that evening in class.  Little Cowgirl pipes up from the back seat of the minivan, “Mom, where are we?”

So I answer “You see that big building there?  That is the back of the grocery store where we shop.”

Pause.

“No, mommy,” she explains in a patient voice, “I mean where ARE we?”

Um.

“Well,” I take another stab, “Do you mean which town, because we were in *YMCAville and now we are on the edge of *Churchtown.”

*Names changed to protect identities.

Big SIGH.

“Mommy, you are not listening to my words,” she continues in a calm, parentesque tone. “Don’t do any talking this time, just listening, because you are not answering my question so be sure to listen to all of my words.”

Insert drum kit noises followed by cymbal crash.

“Honey, I am listening very carefully to your words.  I think I need you to use different words this time so I understand better what kind of answer you want.  Ask me about the street name, which direction we are pointing, where we are headed or how long it will take.  Use new words in your question to help give me clues as to what kind of details you want in the answer.”

Sounds logical.

“I will Mommy.  Listen veeeerrrrry closely to each of my words.”

Smiling to myself.

“Okay, I’m all ears.”

-Dramatic Pause-

“  WHERE                         ARE                                    WE    ?”

You know how you talk when someone is hard of hearing or speaks a different language and suddenly you are talking loud and slow?  That’s what she was doing.

The boys laughed so hard, I thought we’d have urine on the booster seats.  Cowgirl laughed too even though I know she may have been a bit embarrassed and certainly was still frustrated.  My Farmer is still waiting for the end of the story because we have no idea what she meant and it remains unclear.  I figure next time I’ll start with Earth and work my way down to the neighborhood we are in and it will be close enough.

Taking the long view

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Sometimes parenting feels like being a broken record with someone forcefully pushing the needle down right in the spot where you skip .  You have told the same child the same thing thousands of times.  You can’t help but wonder if they are belligerent or dense.

I am here to tell you that they are neither.  Patience is NOT something that comes naturally to me.  In fact, parenting is a role I have often felt lost in – like playing dress up in my mother’s heels but not being able to run when you really needed to. 

However, I think that is true for most of us.  Whatever form or fantasy we held about parenting and ourselves in that position is laughable once you are in the trenches.  It’s like girlhood happily ever after visions.

But I digress…

I have discovered that my children are not flipping me the bird OR morons.  It was an epiphany to me when I read that a first grader needs to hear something at least 100 times before they have learned it (this is an average first grader, of course, your children probably are much smarter).  My oldest son (Shooter) was around three at the time, and I remember wondering how many times a three-year-old would need to hear something.

About seventeen billion.

I discovered, though, my patience.  I began to understand the process of gentle discipline and abandoned the angry, forceful type of parenting I had been falling back on out of desperation, determined not to have one of those kids.

I became highly conscious of my own example, seeing how Shooter treated his baby brother.  I could see all my impatience and unkindness in his actions toward his sibling.  It was mortifying.

So I did a couple of very important things.  I read more books about being a calm, peaceful parent.  The most essential one for me was “How To Talk So Your Kids Will Listen and Listen So Your Kids Will Talk.”  It helped give me a focus when there was a problem:  Say it in as few words as possible with direct eye contact. 

I made a list of major offenses that made me want to beat my toddler son.  With a stick.  I then gave thought to and listed an appropriate mode of discipline for each offense.  My previous mode had been to pick a punishment at the time, but I was always (over)reacting in anger and the message kept getting lost.  Instead I was developing a relationship of fear and anger with one of the most important people in my life.

I tend to be on full-reaction all the time.  My Farmer said once “With Jessica it’s ALL out there, she can’t hold back.  You always know what she feels, she cannot hide it.”

Actually, in person (heck, maybe on the internet too, what do I know?) I can be a little hard to take.  Some people don’t even like me (I know! WTH?), because I am SO, well, much.

These are some reasons I tended to even farther overreact to Shooter’s very age-appropriate and personality-distinct “learning opportunities.”

So I began my new parenting plan.  My main goal was to remain consistent in guiding behavior without the over-boil of emotions, especially bad ones that I felt were ultimately destroying my relationship with Shooter and making me feel like a completely inept parent.

Whenever there was an offense, I checked my list (he was three, so I had limitless opportunities and it didn’t take long for me to have it memorized).  I then waited with him until Shooter was calm enough to hear me, got down eye-to-eye with him and told him in as few words as possible what he did wrong and what would happen next.

“We don’t hit.  If you hit you go to your room.”  I worked very hard not to yell, but to maintain a matter-of-fact tone and to carry the screaming banshee with as much love as possible to his room, and deposit him along with a kiss or smile or shoulder pat, along with “I’ll come and get you when you calm down.”  (disclaimer:  the “go to your room” is child specific, my other children did not respond well to this and I used different consequences for them.)  When he came out of the room, still screaming and flailing, we would repeat the process.  (The need to repeat was really a result of my earlier parenting, and I was working at this point to undo the angry, violent cycle we were in.  My younger children never went through this with the same magnitude because I had learned how to establish a peaceful relationship with them before the difficulties arose.)

Then came the third prong of my plan:  Talk about it when no one is angry.  This usually happened at the kitchen table during a meal or after reading a book.  Everyone was feeling happy and secure.  I was feeling calm and capable.  It was a good time to reinforce my message.

I love you.  You are the most important thing to me.  It is my job to help you grow up to be a good person who makes good choices.  Hitting is a bad choice.  It hurts someone else and then you get in trouble.  Remember when so-and-so hit you?  How did that make you feel?  That must have been sad for you.  You baby brother feels the same way if you hit him.  Isn’t that sad?  That’s why we don’t hit in our family.  We don’t want to make other people feel bad or afraid.  It’s very hard when we are angry.  What made you angry when you hit Little Farmer?  I understand.  Let’s think of some other things we can do when we are angry instead of hitting.  Everyone makes mistakes.  Even Mommy and Daddy!  I forgive you and still love you.

Now, we had a conversation like this in some way every single day.  I felt so much better about how I was parenting.  Shooter and I were healing our relationship and were no longer facing each other on a battle field, we managed to work for the same side now.  But every time there was another major offense I wondered if this would ever work, if I was turning my kid into one of those kids and whether I needed to go back to tough love and because-I-said-so.

About six months passed.  I still felt like Shooter and I were in the trenches together every single day (multiple times).  Then My Farmer and I were talking about it and I looked back to when I began the process.  It was like I could hear the angel choir around me chanting “Ahhhhhhhhhhh!”

Even though I was still hard at work talking so he could listen, consistently giving the same appropriate response to problems from my list and reviewing concepts later, things were so much better.  Gentle discipline is a high-involvement, continuous and labor-intensive way to parent.  The results, however, can be quite astonishing.  There are all sorts of resources out there, but I think if your goal is to model calm parenting and unconditional love along with building and maintaining a trusting relationship with your children it is worth it. 

And this is how I learned to take “the long view.”  If you are distressed about your child’s behavior, look back six months and be shocked at the improvements.  If you are just beginning your journey with consistent, loving discipline, set your clock to looking six months ahead.  Things will be much better then.  Or close enough, anyway!