Tag Archives: parenting

Keeping house is so much more.

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Thanks for the comments and tips yesterday.  I really do have fabulous readers who, I must say, I dearly love.  I was struck with something this morning as I read them – I am pretty serious about maintaining a healthy lifestyle for my body. What about my house?

 

For example:  Yesterday I took the children to the waterpark, where I applied sunscreen vigorously.  I had a banana and green tea for a snack.  Then I ran two miles and ate my dinner (whole grain noodles with bell pepper, onion, cucumber, garlic and olive oil).  I drank lots of water.  I took a warm shower.  I slept for eight hours (minus one child needing a drink of water at 2 am) and then for breakfast I made a smoothie with peach, mango, strawberry, pineapple, blueberry, rhubarb, spinach, banana, flax seed, and almond milk.  These are all things I didn’t think much about – I just keep the tools nearby and plan ahead to make sure they happen.  How can I do that with the other important thing in my life?

 

What healthy habits do I have for my house, my other job (the farm bookwork), my writing?  As I look back over my adult life, I can see the good habits that have formed in these areas.  And my sister-in-law is SO on the money when she said that a crisis really helps put things in order.  It’s time to capitalize on a crisis and use it to set some more good habits in my life.  We can grow and change every day!

 

And how about my children?  What healthy habits do I need to put in place with them?  How about more effort to complimenting good behavior instead of only focusing on correcting less desirable behavior?  How about focused, connected alone time with each child?  Too many days pass where I’m cocentrating wholly on all my other responsibilities and time is lost that can never be bought back to build a lifetime relationship with these amazing people.

 

How about no yelling.  Period.

 

What healthy  habits can I form in regard to maintaining the most important relationship in my daily life: my marriage?  What are the poor habits I can let go of that don’t show love?  What are life-giving habits I can cultivate that are love in action?

 

I know it’s easy to set yourself up for failure when you want to take on more than you can handle, but I remember my post about priorities and I still feel that way.  The more order I put in my life, the more organized I become, I find it is easier to be able to follow those priorities.  I am not expecting this all to work right away, and I’m not thinking I can reduce what is in my house by 50% in a week.  But I think I could do it in a year.

 

If there is one thing this journey with my husband’s mother has taught me, it’s the weight of a moment.  Each situation is an opportunity.  She has been absolutely incredible – pragmatic, calm, and full of strength.  My sister told me that she hopes to be half as amazing as my mother-in-law if she ever faces a similar situation.  I agree.

 

And I know it seems, well, insulting to talk about keeping house when really we are talking about the courage to face cancer for a second time.  But I think my mother-in-law would disagree.  What we are talking about is life.  Managing life.  Meeting responsibilities and learning each day new ways to create time and space for others.

 

What new habits are working for you right now?  What have you done for your body, your loved ones, or your house that make you feel full of love and satisfied?

The pendulum swings…

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I have had FOUR different parents ask me about homeschooling this past week.

 

It is the time of year when everyone is evaluating where they are and making plans for next year.  Even though I know our family is going to homeschool next year for 5th, 3rd and 1st grades, I’m also in the position of making final decisions regarding how they will be learning.  I will admit that it is a great deal of pressure and can be very frustrating to slog through the masses of curriculum available.

 

In a way, it reminds me of having infants.  One of the friends I spoke with is struggling with the decision whether or not their first-born will attend kindergarten at a local public school or homeschool for the year.  She expressed the fear I think every parent shares, regarding not only schooling but nearly every decision they make.  ”I’m afraid if I keep him home, I’ll ruin him.  And I’m afraid if I send him to school, I’ll ruin him!”

 

This struggle is so commonly felt by parents – about how they birth, how they feed, how they support their family, where/when/how everyone sleeps, how to handle tantrums, how to encourage independence, where/when to seek childcare, how to maintain a balanced relationship with your spouse and community without sacrificing your child’s needs…I could go on and on.  We have all, as parents, had those nights where we cannot fall asleep because we are certain we have ruined our child, or at the very least our relationship with that child, because of a decision we have made.  It is miserable to suffer through.

 

We are not perfect.  We are flawed, faulted, fumbling and yet somehow we have been put in charge of the well-being of another human being who relies on us.  The struggles are the same, though the circumstances are different.  There has been an awakening of our generation that we do, in fact, love and know our own children better than anyone else on the entire planet.  In some ways, it has allowed us far too much emphasis on our own influence – a weird sort of parental hubris.  In other ways, it has given us the courage to make big changes.

 

This does not mean that everyone should homeschool.  Please do not misunderstand my pontificating today.  But it does mean that you are the expert about your child.  We have certainly spent time and money seeking the opinions of experts for the children in this house – and I mean experts that have titles and fancy initials as well as experts that have experience by way of being a grandparent or another parent who has struggled with a similar situation in the past – and their diagnoses, opinions and wisdom have influenced and effected the decisions we have made regarding the parenting of our children.

 

But we have come to an entirely different way of embracing the idea that “the buck stops here.”

 

The parents I know who have considered or are considering homeschool have come to the same place.  It is not a decrying or denouncing of teachers or administrators – they are wonderful and talented individuals who care deeply about their students.  They are also regular people just like you and me, who have bad days and make mistakes.  They are dealing with all kinds of difficult classroom management, testing pressures, bureaucratic b.s., and school politics while managing to provide most children a very good environment.  But the amount of families considering homeschooling is, in some ways, a commentary of the educational system in its current state.  And it is definitely a commentary on the involvement and understanding parents have with their children.

 

Usually, there are special circumstances with a child that precipitate an interest in homeschooling.  I doubt we ever would have considered it so seriously had a situation not circumstantially “forced our hand.”  For my family, it has lead to a great educational fit and a different view of learning.  It has been a complete 180-degree move from our previous opinions.  There are some things institutionalized schooling provides that I can never replicate in a homeschool setting.  But for now the benefits are outweighing the negatives for my children.

 

In listening to a close friend discuss the school options in her city, I was not surprised to hear she has found an excellent fit for her family.  It did make me wonder, however – with such a large number of options available with such a wide variety of educational theories – why so many of the schools have (in her very qualified opinion – she’s been in the educational system of this city for over a decade) a poor reputation.  There are families all over the place considering the very same thing as the four who have contacted me recently.

 

Considering homeschooling is a terrifying prospect (or it was for us, anyway).  How will I have time?  Will my kids suffer from isolation?  Will my relationship with them suffer because I will be both teacher/parent?  What will this do to our family dynamic?  How do I make sure I’m teaching the right materials?  What will I need to give up in order to make this work?  Is it even legal?  How will this effect relationships with others in our extended family and community?

 

I can’t answer most of those questions because I am not the expert on anyone’s family.  Just my own.  But I can tell you a few things I have learned about my family since we began in March of 2009.  The adjustments we made were similar to and took roughly the same amount of time as those made when the children started regular school.  We went from a schedule-less farm family whose days revolved around the weather and when the youngest children needed naps or food, to separate lives where one person spent all their energy on the farm work and the other managed the pick-up, drop-off, homework, paperwork, and events coordination.  It took me about a year to feel I was “in the groove” of managing those things for my family.  At times, it was pretty stressful.  When we decided to try homeschool, I was stressed about curriculum and learning styles, so my focus stayed there.  As a result, my housekeeping, yard work and general organization suffered.  It took about a year for me to readjust my focus; after I was feeling confident about how and what my children were learning, I started to notice the piles and disorder in the rest of my life and began to address them.

 

Like a friend I spoke to earlier this week said, “That’s the small stuff.”

 

The big stuff stayed in place for us.  Our priorities included our family dynamic and the children’s emotional well-being.  In these areas, homeschooling proved to be what we had hoped.  We all grew closer, our exchanges consistently improved and the children’s self-esteem and general assurance have blossomed.  This is not to say that children cannot experience this is a regular school setting – they can and do so – but my children had different needs at that time than our schools were able to provide and it was truly gratifying to watch what we saw as a huge risk pay off so well.

 

We were actually more able to focus on our relationships as a family and as spouses once we started homeschooling – it gave me a scheduling freedom I had never possessed previously.  I did not feel any guilt for leaving the children for a date *any* time the opportunity presented itself.  They had plenty of time with me – for heaven’s sake!  And if a chance for fun or interesting experiences as a family came up, it never mattered if it was a school night.  Lessons just began a bit later the next morning and no one had to suffer for it.

 

Homeschooling puts my parenting in sharp focus for me every day – it challenges and humbles me and I am, with out question, a better mother for it.  Perhaps that would be true even if we had remained a part of institutionalized schooling.  I cannot say.  But I can say that homeschooling has not had a negative effect on the parenting of our children or our relationship with them.  It has certainly given us more influence and greater focus on how we wield that influence.

 

Sometimes we had (and still have) uncomfortable exchanges with friends and family.  But for the most part, there has been no disruption of relationships because we chose homeschooling.  Our friends and family love us and our children, and even though they (just like us) probably thought people who homeschooled were nuts, they generally kept it to themselves.

 

When letting people know we were going to homeschool, we found it was important to tell them we were not dissatisfied with our school, but our children had different needs for that point in time and we felt we could meet them better at home.  We also presented it as a “for now” situation – we were and remain open to the idea that things change and our top priority is loving and educating the “whole” child from the inside out (in whichever way works best for our family).  It also helped to point out that we were doing so with the support of an expert (in our case it was a child psychologist), which can be very reassuring to others who love you and your children and for whom homeschooling is a brand-new idea.  We also talked about the growing percentage of homeschooling families in our society.

 

I also think the simple fact that it was us made it more acceptable.  There is nothing special about us – your friends and family would find it more acceptable as well and likely react the same.  When you change the way you are schooling, you are not changing who you are.  People meeting you for the first time will have a different impression of you than they would have before.  Those who already know you will either say “Jessica’s always been a little whacko, but I still love her” or “Jessica is really brave – I could never do that.”  They will all watch with interest – not hoping you will fail because they love you and your children – but wondering how it will turn out and probably keeping their fingers crossed.  And your children are the same people wherever they receive their education.  Experiences will, of course, influence them.  But if your child is a bright and social child homeschooling will not change that.  If your child is shy and quiet, that will not change either.  They will, however, be surrounded by the constant support of those who love them exactly as they are without condition.

 

I reassured others, as well as myself, with the understanding that it is a completely reversible choice.  (I try not to get into “if I can do it, anyone can” because most of the time people are not ready to hear that and are much more comfortable thinking I am special and awesome.)

 

If you have decided you want to look seriously into homeschooling, there are lots of great places to garner information.  There are some very informative review sites online (I found this one when we were first considering bringing the kids home).  Keep in mind lots of them are trying to sell you their product, so anywhere you can find reviews from people actually using the curriculum is especially helpful.  I also went to meetings of homeschooling groups, talked to families I knew that were homeschooling, and utilized online forums to ask questions.  One of the best things I did was to attend a used curriculum sale.  Not only did I get to put my hands right on some of the materials I’d been reading about, but I got to speak to a person who had actually used them.  You will find that most homeschoolers have found something that really works well for their family, but they are fully understanding that it is not going to be the right fit for everyone else.

 

You can look into the requirements for homeschooling in your state using the Homeschool Legal Defense Association web site.  For us, it was simple – file with the state as an unaccredited institution and get started.  We made sure we had read and understood all the requirements before we began – it helped us plan.

 

Whether or not you decide to look further into homeschooling is a decision that only you can make.  There is never 100% assurance in parenting choices.  Only hindsight is 20-20 and honestly, I think that is deceptive.  Even when you feel you should have/could have done something different, you cannot know how things would have turned out if your choices hadn’t been the same.  We are all going to screw up our children.  No getting around it.  It is simpler to accept that right now and forgive yourself.  Just do your best.

 

In the big picture, we as parents sweat too much over the small stuff.  If you try homeschooling and it is a giant bomb, it will not scar your child for the rest of his life.  Maybe you will all look back and laugh.  Lots of parents have found a year of transitionary homeschooling to be a gift for their family as they found the educational path they needed elsewhere.  But if you try homeschooling you may find, like my family, that it is the best decision you ever made and you will be consistently thankful you were able to consider something that seemed so different.  Maybe you will make it easier for another family struggling with their current circumstances to consider making a change.

 

Don’t be afraid of change.  Don’t be afraid of your gut.  It may or may not lead you to homeschooling, but I encourage you to look into all your options.  Somewhere out there, a school or method of schooling exists that will fit your family.  Make a change – it is the only way things improve.  Good luck!

 

 

The one-two punch … (haha) a follow up

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I had several “aha” moments while discussing (virtually) my post earlier this week about the Easter Egg Disaster.  I really appreciated all the comments and thoughts I received on Facebook, via email, and here on the blog itself.

 

The main issue that came to the surface for me as I was concentrating on this issue is that I have been dealing with the small picture (one fight at a time) instead of the big picture.  Because of this, I’d really stopped parenting in the way that has worked best for my family, my children, and myself.  I have been dealing with physical fights by way of “reacting,” where as I believe parenting is a full-time and constantly pro-active job in order to gain the kind of results I am hoping for.

 

One great commenter yesterday on Facebook said

 

“I know my kids are much younger, but we talk a lot about that you can’t use your body to tell someone you are angry, you have to use words. Yelling, crying and getting upset is part of normal childhood development. When someone hits, punches, pulls hair, etc. I try not to shame them in the moment—they were so overwhelmed, that is all they knew how to do.

When I see them hitting, I immediately breath myself, take one kid away and say matter of factly, that is not okay. You can’t use your body to tell your brother you are angry. Then do the reflective talk ‘you are so upset, he took your toy, you are mad so you hit him.’”

 

This is, almost verbatim, how I dealt with physical anger with the kids when they were younger.  When I felt they were old enough, a separate consequence was added (usually removal from the game and spending time alone until they were calm enough to “fix” the situation).  Parenting toddlers is a very intense, every-second involvement sort of job.  It’s exhausting.  Much of that pace eases as the kids get older.  But I found I needed to slip back into my full-court-press intensity level of parenting in order to solve this problem.

 

My BFF stopped by yesterday.  She was discussing the comments on the blog with me and we were comparing the notes of what rang true for each of us and what wouldn’t have worked in our homes.  During that discussion, Farmer Boy comes *busting* in the door from the yard.  He is all huff and puff, arms folded across his chest, anger radiating.  “Shooter is calling me names!  I don’t even want to ever play with him!  He called me a freak and ran his bike right over my bike!  I want to ram my bike right into HIM!”

 

“Oh, gosh.” I said, “That must have really hurt your feelings.  Calling names always feels bad, when you are saying them and especially when someone is saying them to you.  Shooter must have been really mad, to do something mean like that.”

 

“Yeah!  He was!  Because I broke the stick he was using!  I took it from him and smashed it right in half!”

 

“Oh – gosh.  You must have been very angry.  Why were you so angry?”

 

“He poked me right in the eye with that stick!  In the eye BALL, not just the lid.”

 

“Oh no!  Are you alright now?  If someone is hurt I want to help right away.”

“No.  I’m fine.  I was mostly just MAD because he wasn’t being careful!”

 

“So it was an accident?  Or did he hurt you with the stick on purpose?”

 

“It was an accident.  But he should have been more careful!”

 

“Yes, he should have.  What did he say when it happened?”

 

“I don’t know!  I was so mad I was screaming and breaking the stick!”

 

“How do you think that made him feel? (uncomfortable pause) It probably hurt his feelings and made him angry.  It sounds like he didn’t have a chance to apologize.”

 

“Well he shouldn’t have run over my bike!”

 

“That’s destructive.  Why do you think he would do something like that?”

 

“We were calling each other names.   And my bike was blocking the sidewalk and I wouldn’t move it because he was being so MEAN!”

 

“Sounds like you were both very, very upset and feeling out-of-control.  Do you think we should talk this out together?”

 

“Yes.  I’ll go tell Shooter that we all want to talk.”

 

I felt so much better after that conversation.  I was exhausted – I try to block out forget how much energy that level of crushing fury can require.  Toddlers are often easier to distract or redirect when their feelings are too intense for them to handle in the moment.  Of course, what you are working for is to ‘get to’ deal with what I’m currently focused on – being able to facilitate that level of emotion during conflict.

 

Eventually they did make their way in…after some more yelling in the yard, followed by one brother knocking the other’s hat off (at my house that is the equivilant of yelling ‘en gaurde!’) followed by more yelling, huffing and puffing, arm crossing and finger pointing.

 

But I employed the tools I want to use in my family.  And I worked toward the goal that is important to me:  Learning to resolve conflict.  Like another friend commented on the original blog post:

 

“Kids argue all the time; f’in constantly. They play at arguing to learn how to handle conflicts in adult life. So having a goal of suppressing the conflicts is unreasonable and likely detrimental in the long run. So what’s the benefit? I suppose learning how to resolve conflicts. Certainly dealing with problems non-violently is the most basic.”

 

 

As I listened to them duke it out verbally, stepping in to translate or offer sympathy/understanding where it was appropriate in order to facilitate comprehension (DUH, maybe your brother wanted to punch you in the face when you rammed into his bike with yours Gee, how do you think you would feel if someone did that to you?  Like punching them?  Yes, it would make me very angry too.  That’s how your brother felt. I’m glad he didn’t actually punch you.) I felt better about how this is all going to turn out.  It is critical to me that they learn to stick up for themselves, but we can do so with words.  And equally important to me is the neccesity for reflection – look back at your own actions and think about what you would change if you could go back and do this again.

 

I did, in fact, pose that exact question to them.  AFTER I made them stop for a bit.  ”Guys,”  I said, “We have to go to Farmer Boy’s session (for dyslexia phonics tutoring) in 30 minutes.  Lunch is ready.  Why don’t we take time out, eat our lunches, and I promise we will continue to talk about this when we are on the road.  It will give everyone a chance to cool off.”

 

They were still angry while we ate lunch, but once we got in the van everyone truly had cooled down.  I hardly had to prompt the conversation after that, and suddenly the admissions were dropping like ripe fruit and the apologies came close behind.

 

What made me feel good about it was the level of guideance I was giving – it was truly minimal.  I was more like being an official in a cage fight debate than a judge.  The best part of the entire situation was the moment when, even though they were both furious, I told them I was very proud of them for continuing to discuss their problem instead of trying to hurt one another.  It changed the tone and direction of everything.  I was keyed back into the critical importance of positive discipline in one of the emails I received, and I’m so thankful I was able to put that into effect during the conflict itself, rather than afterwards.  This allowed apologizing and making up to be its own reward when it happened.

 

And like my BFF said when she left, “You handled that really well (she witnessed the first conversation with Farmer Boy).  It was great that you blogged about this, although I think some people got the wrong impression.  When you are a very involved parent, you always have a ‘thing’ you zone in on – something you are trying to change or improve with your kids.  Right now, this is just your thing.  Now you are really getting a handle on the direction you want to go with it.”

 

If only every day could go so well – but close enough.

 

Some other very interesting questions came up in various emails – do boys actually fight more than girls?  What are we trying to teach when kids fight?  When do you, as the parent, step in?  Do you, and if so when do you, incorportate punishment?  Are your feelings, as the parent, important at all in terms of discussing their actions with the children? And, I found this one intriguing, how does learning to handle conflict as a child effect your adult relationships?

 

What do you all think? Let’s apply some more group wisdom.  (I’m not kidding, I’m expecting AT LEAST as many comments as last time, so pick a question and give me an opinion.  Lets talk about this. I’d love to post some of the most interesting comments in another follow-up.)

What am I doing wrong?

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I grew up in a very peaceful home.  I don’t seem to be providing the same sort of environment somehow at my own house.

 

My children are very good friends, and 90% of the time they play together happily and work out their own difficulties.

 

The problem is the ten percent of time when they do not.  Take yesterday for example.  By the time I got to the room I heard the yelling from (From the time the hollering began until the time I arrived was probably close to 15 seconds) this is what I found:

 

Two crying, injured boys (sibling-inflicted) and smashed Easter egg all over the floor.

 

The worst part was, all I could come up with to say was “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!  WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!  YOU ARE HURTING EACH OTHER OVER AN EGG SHELL!!!!”

 

I stopped when I saw my daughter, cowering in the kitchen chair surrounded by the yelling, hands over her ears, eyes wide and on the ground.

 

As I was holding her, saying “you poor thing, that must have been so hard to watch” she started talking about how she asked who had colored a certain egg, which had started a yelling match between the boys, followed by kicking and tackling.  Yelling continued in the background, as I tried to comfort one and quiet the others.  It was an unmitigated disaster.

 

I am not sure how I failed so miserably in this particular area with my children, but please let’s be clear here:  I am not blogging this to publicly flog myself.  I am trying to solve it.  I am a person of quick and hard temper, and I need a way to help myself and especially to give my sons the tools to control their impulses once they are angry.  The comments have been quiet around here lately, but I really need some help on this one.  I am feeling pretty lost.  I am a very intentional parent and I want to evaluate and change the way I am mothering to break up this pattern, but I need the “wisdom of the group” right now.

Hit rewind (or the “back” button for those of you younger than me)

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Which is probably a lot of you, but actually that is completely off-topic so I’m going to veer back onto the road to where I was trying to go…

 

I always get a tender, sentimental-sort of feeling this time of year.  For whatever reason, our biggest changes as a family seem to happen in the spring, and that makes me look backward and re-evaluate where we currently are.  It does NOT, however, make me want to scrapbook in any way.  Unless you count blogging as scrapbooking.

 

My first and second children were born in the spring.

 

We pulled the kids from school to try homeschooling in the spring (2 years ago, actually).

 

My mother-in-law was diagnosed with breast cancer in the spring almost five years ago.  She is now back in chemotherapy as she discovered this past summer that it has metastacized.  (Shameless pitch for prayers/positive thoughts/good mojo!)

 

In honor of spring being a time of looking backward and forward (Oh I’m so random!) I would like to run a series of some of my past blog posts.

 

For today, here is a post I wrote about parenting from the trenches, when things get tough and you have *no idea* who this child is or HOW you managed to produce it (and I don’t mean that in a good way):

 

Taking the long view

 

Let me know if you seriously like/dislike this flashback idea…

Thinking ahead

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I am thisclose to having everything lined out for school curriculum next year.  We leaped in as deep as possible as far as Farmer Boy’s dyslexia.  We are looking into tutoring services over the summer as well as reaching out to our local public school to see what services they offer for dyslexia.  I’m still on the fence about how I will handle his curriculum next year, but I expect I’ll work it as much like a classroom teacher as possible.  In other words, there will be extra help and different methods for him, but he will still be learning the same materials.  I am definitely going with a complete, pre-packaged curriculum this year.   I am going to add to that the read-aloud books from Sonlight Core 3, 5th grade cursive mastery for Shooter, Art lessons, supplemental phonics for Farmer Boy, touch-typing, and assigned extra reading for everybody.  We have an entire subject basically devoted to pleasure reading.  Which is a pleasure as long as you are not Farmer Boy.

 

Some new things we’ve been able to incorporate since his diagnosis last week:

 

Spelling Tests now involve me giving the word, him finding the word on a list and then transferring it to the page (he still missed 2 of 20).  Up to now we have been studying the 20 words during the week but the test only involved ten.

 

Reading for him this week is a progression of me reading the book to him, then him reading along with the book on cd, and finally reading it by himself at the end of the week.  I also found a used set of low-level, high-interest reading books for sale on a homeschool swap site.  These are longer, chapter-style books that have a more interesting plot and older characters for struggling readers who get bored with Dr. Suezz. (No offense, Ted.)  One set of them even comes with work books, which I may be able to incorporate.

 

For his reading comprehension, instead of him reading the page himself (it’s between 6-12 sentences), I read it to him first.  Then he reads it independently and answers the questions himself.  His comment was, “MOM!  Can you believe how FAST I read that!” (breaking. heart. ow.)

 

I am also breaking up the phonics lessons and adding more breaks between things for him.  In order to get everything done before lunch this means we are getting up earlier and running on a tighter schedule, but if you know me irl you know I like that anyway.  I am doing most of my lunch-prep the night before in order to facilitate this as well.

 

When doing his flash cards (part of the Saxon Phonics 2 we switched to after the first 9 weeks and I’m SO thankful we did) I am flashing them for him, I say the sight word first and he repeats it.  I am incorporating more physical learning into his lessons as well – the teacher’s manual is full of suggestions.  Now that I have a better understanding of dyslexia and how he can learn best, I have a better idea of which parts are useless to him and which parts are essential.  I was doing some of that instinctually and am glad to know I was on the right track.

 

I am reading as much of his math lesson for him as I can ahead of time.  That way, when he sits down to work it, he’s already heard it once and can handle reading it himself.  This is better than sitting with him and reading along with him and helps to boost his confidence.

 

His confidence is one of my main focuses right now – the psychologist who screened him was full of excellent suggestions about that and I’m going to apply them as quickly as I can.  (The high-readability, low-level books were her suggestion.)

 

I’m also planning on re-evaluating how we have school set  up in our house.  I’ve talked about this before but it’s time to start moving furniture.  I also need a home for my new macbook, since my previous office operation was really not working out. (it seemed like a good idea at the time!)  As busy as spring is on the farm, it also gives me more time “by myself” to fill and most of that seems to be projects around the house. Looking back, I’ve noticed that most of my major projects have taken place during a time when my farmer left when it was still dark, and then when he came home as I was getting ready for bed he has a “WHOA” moment because the rooms look completely different.

 

Time for some “WHOA” moments in every part of our lives.

I was right

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And now the realization of it has me plagued with guilt.  Or something like it…maybe more just plain remorse or regret.  But feeling like I should have known better is really bugging me.

 

How many times in this blog have I said the mother is almost always right?

The mother knows her child better than anyone else?

That parents should go with their instincts, their gut feeling?

 

In the case of Farmer Boy, that has proven true.  The results are back from his screenings with the child psychologist and he is diagnosed with the following:

Dyslexia

Dysgraphia

Mild anxiety

General Brilliance.  (Okay, the word “general” wasn’t in the actual diagnosis.)

 

Dyslexia is a learning disability that, in the last 40 years or so, our society has become familiar and comfortable with.  It is a difficulty in learning to read because the regular neural pathways in place for most children are not the same in dyslexics.  Dysgraphia is similar to dyslexia, but instead of causing confusion while trying to decode a word to read it, dysgraphia is difficulty in writing (encoding) the word.  Dyslexia is difficulty changing symbols into sounds, dysgraphia is difficulty changing sounds into symbols.

 

Anxiety and brilliance are just part of his personality.

 

In the bits and pieces of reading and researching I’ve been able to do since the meeting with the doctor, I’m in a state of relief and justification balanced by mortification over the mental anguish he must have suffered every day as I insisted he work on things that would be comparable to “tiger mom” mentality if I’d truly understood his situation.  Also I have remorse over suspecting this a year ago and not acting on it.  As with anything else, the earlier the interventions, the greater the results.

 

I was happy to hear the psychologist talk about some of the very important phonetic building blocks that are usually missing for dyslexics, which she pointed out because Farmer Boy DID have those tools and she was very positive about his ability to build upon them.  As it turns out, the phonics program we’ve been using this year (Saxon Phonics) has a multi-sensory teaching method (one of the reasons I chose it) which is very helpful for dyslexic children.  I’m very thankful that Farmer Boy spent his one year of “regular” schooling in a kindergarten classroom that also used Saxon phonics.  I can only imagine how much that has helped him as he has fought his way into the reading world by the sheer force of his own will.  The doctor also mentioned his memory skills, which can be common in children with different learning abilities like dyslexia, but she felt his were quite remarkable.  She also ruled out dyscalculia (difficulty in understanding numeric principles) but Farmer Boy’s math skills are affected mainly by the amount of time required to read the problems and the typical confusion of place-value for dyslexics, as well as difficulty in getting the answer out of his head and onto the page (dysgraphia).

 

His reaction was also one of relief.  But mostly he didn’t care.  He already knew there was something ‘different’ going on.  He is glad I will be able to teach in different ways now that will better enable him to learn to read.  And he is visibly glad to hear that he will, eventually, be as good a reader as anyone else (specifically his brother) so long as he continues to work hard.

 

As the psychologist said, “There is absolutely nothing this particular child cannot do so long as he sets his mind to it.”

 

I still feel as though I understand only the tip of the ice berg, but just in writing this post I have moved from remorse to immerse.  I’m ready to learn everything I can and apply it.  Next year is going to be so awesome!  Just imagine all the changes I can make and what a positive impact it’s going to have on our household and schooling!  I’m ready now.  Time to get started.

 

 

emotive validation and other mumbo-jumbo

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I had an opportunity to see an old friend this weekend.  We had a great discussion about parenting.

 

His parenting situation is different than mine.  Yet our conversation revolved around the common thread for all parents.  It. is. freaking. hard.

 

We discussed walking fine lines, too much/too little discipline, peer influences, parental influences, the things we are trying to do the same as our parents, the things we are making every effort to do differently than our parents, the fact that we are all whack jobs underneath it all, and dealing with nuclear emotional fallout.

 

The tie that binds our parenting philosophies is the same:  We both believe that recognition and validation of a person’s feelings (in this case a child’s) is the most important part of raising a healthy human being.  It may not mean you get your way, but you do have an opportunity to be heard and understand that your feelings have importance.

 

It does not mean you get to do whatever you want.

 

But it does mean that you get to feel whatever you feel.

 

Encouraging our children to verbalize these feelings is what sparks the discussions about what is important, why these feelings are occurring, and how to deal with them.  It is the way in which we teach the principles and values we desire our children to have (I can see how much you want to have that trendy item.  You really love it, think it is so cool and can imagine how great it would be to have.  When you have saved enough money to buy it, you can count on me to bring you back here so you can purchase it yourself).

 

I’ve found this to be essential when there have been hurt feelings.  It is very helpful to encourage each child to voice their feelings and why, to ensure the other parties are listening.  It helps foster understanding and the potential consequences of our words and actions.

 

It is also the most difficult thing to teach control over.  As an adult who puts a great deal of importance on the value of emotions, I must work to keep it in check myself.  Just because I have a certain feeling does not give me the right to take it out on others, nor do they necessarily care (or have reason to) about whatever emotion I am dealing with.  I must not use it to manipulate a situation, and I must not allow it to manipulate what I consider to be appropriate behavior.

 

But it is also the healthiest way to ensure that we are not carrying the burden of guilt, the oppression of anger, the sorrow of forgiveness withheld, the slow rot of bitterness that can spoil the joy of every day life.

 

Part of modeling healthy relationships for our child is allowing them to see problems being worked out, making up, expressing and getting over hurt feelings, expressing and apologizing for letting our emotions get out of control.

 

It is another fine line parents all walk.  And I do feel better having talked with someone about those feelings.