Tag Archives: Mothering

What am I doing wrong?

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I grew up in a very peaceful home.  I don’t seem to be providing the same sort of environment somehow at my own house.

 

My children are very good friends, and 90% of the time they play together happily and work out their own difficulties.

 

The problem is the ten percent of time when they do not.  Take yesterday for example.  By the time I got to the room I heard the yelling from (From the time the hollering began until the time I arrived was probably close to 15 seconds) this is what I found:

 

Two crying, injured boys (sibling-inflicted) and smashed Easter egg all over the floor.

 

The worst part was, all I could come up with to say was “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!  WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!  YOU ARE HURTING EACH OTHER OVER AN EGG SHELL!!!!”

 

I stopped when I saw my daughter, cowering in the kitchen chair surrounded by the yelling, hands over her ears, eyes wide and on the ground.

 

As I was holding her, saying “you poor thing, that must have been so hard to watch” she started talking about how she asked who had colored a certain egg, which had started a yelling match between the boys, followed by kicking and tackling.  Yelling continued in the background, as I tried to comfort one and quiet the others.  It was an unmitigated disaster.

 

I am not sure how I failed so miserably in this particular area with my children, but please let’s be clear here:  I am not blogging this to publicly flog myself.  I am trying to solve it.  I am a person of quick and hard temper, and I need a way to help myself and especially to give my sons the tools to control their impulses once they are angry.  The comments have been quiet around here lately, but I really need some help on this one.  I am feeling pretty lost.  I am a very intentional parent and I want to evaluate and change the way I am mothering to break up this pattern, but I need the “wisdom of the group” right now.

Hit rewind (or the “back” button for those of you younger than me)

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Which is probably a lot of you, but actually that is completely off-topic so I’m going to veer back onto the road to where I was trying to go…

 

I always get a tender, sentimental-sort of feeling this time of year.  For whatever reason, our biggest changes as a family seem to happen in the spring, and that makes me look backward and re-evaluate where we currently are.  It does NOT, however, make me want to scrapbook in any way.  Unless you count blogging as scrapbooking.

 

My first and second children were born in the spring.

 

We pulled the kids from school to try homeschooling in the spring (2 years ago, actually).

 

My mother-in-law was diagnosed with breast cancer in the spring almost five years ago.  She is now back in chemotherapy as she discovered this past summer that it has metastacized.  (Shameless pitch for prayers/positive thoughts/good mojo!)

 

In honor of spring being a time of looking backward and forward (Oh I’m so random!) I would like to run a series of some of my past blog posts.

 

For today, here is a post I wrote about parenting from the trenches, when things get tough and you have *no idea* who this child is or HOW you managed to produce it (and I don’t mean that in a good way):

 

Taking the long view

 

Let me know if you seriously like/dislike this flashback idea…

The power of principle

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I’ve had a pretty packed last six months or year.  There have been many changes and different challenges.  There has been a lot on my plate, and even more on my husband’s.

 

At times, this year has put me in a place that has become completely overwhelming.  Too many things that need to be done all at one time.  For lots of people, it works to give a few things up in order to make life less complicated.  In some ways, I have done that.  But mostly I gave things up that I was already not doing (or at least not doing properly).  I resigned a volunteer job I’ve worked at for the last eight years, and though I’m really sad about it and loved (very much!) the organization and the work, I wasn’t. actually. doing. anything.  I was asked to be on a committee at the Parish to help with a process we are involved in.  I helped for the first stages of the committee’s work, but since spring hit I’ve missed everything and in two weeks the job is over.  Mostly I’ve given up things like keeping the house, van, or yard very nicely.

 

Then, I started Flying again.  And I came to terms with the fact that I am really not happy unless I am UP TO HERE in activity.  I’ve been that way since I was able to choose my own extracurricular stuff.  I really like it.  But I need to find balance.  Flylady has helped me stay more organized at home so I can be more efficient with my time, and though housework is the first thing I tend to let slide, it is the first thing that makes me grumpy and unfit-to-live-with.

 

Then, a couple of weeks ago, my BFF mentioned feeling like things were out of control in her world so she put a list of her priorities on the refrigerator.

 

KABLAMO!

 

Blew my mind.  It really helped me to figure out what I’m doing with trying to get things re-balanced.  This was one of the main reasons I began looking for an “all-in-one” curriculum that will require as little planning/legwork on my part as possible.  Money and control were less important to me than making school a pleasant and stream-lined activity that we can do well at home and still have plenty of time and energy for all the other things we want to and (I) have to do.

 

What I feed my family is very important to me.  I try to make different meals with as large a variety of foods in as close to their natural state as possible.  I’m going to allow myself to keep this as important and make time to cook meals from scratch and buy the expensive fresh produce without guilt.  This is one of my priorities.  And because I allow this to be a focus, I’m not going to worry about it when we ‘fall off the wagon’ for a time period or with a specific product that makes things much easier for us when things are especially busy.

 

Helping with the farm is very important to me.  I am going to work to streamline my other responsibilities (see curriculum comments above) in order to devote enough time (see remarks about giving things up) to stay involved and be dependable.  It brings My Farmer and I so much joy to work together, whether it is in the office or in the field.  It was always part of our vision and work is one way we both show our love and find personal reward.

 

Being a kind and fully-present parent is important to me.  I will apologize when I am not doing so.  I will continue to pray an act of contrition each night, and a self-offering prayer each morning.  This is a practice I began with Lent and it has helped me so much – I take time to think about my errors and forgive myself each night, then start fresh every morning with my priorities in mind.  I will work to stay organized so that I can be more focused and less pressured in my daily life.  (For my non- or less-religious readers, obviously this can be done without the praying part.  The forgiving and offering parts are the critical ones to include if you want to give it a try.)

 

God is important to me, and being a part of the community of Church.  This is one area in my life where I feel satisfied with the way things are working – probably because everything is easier when it takes the approach of “community.”  I don’t need to do it all – there are lots of us!  I just need to do what I can with the gifts that I have.  I will continue helping where I can, taking my children to weekly and holy day Masses, and incorporate faith into our regular, daily routines.

 

Exercise is important to me.  It keeps me healthy, and most importantly it keeps me sane.  I will give up other activities (like sleep) and bend my other priorities (for instance taking my children to the gym’s childcare area while I run or work-out) so that I can participate in this.  I will seek out opportunities to do so and not feel guilty about time away from my family so that I can take good care of my own body and mind.

 

Staying organized is important to me so I can accomplish all of these priorities.  I know this is just the tip of the iceburg as far as what is important – I don’t have anything in here about friends or extended family or time with my spouse (which are all critical priorities for me as well) but there’s only so much I can write before you all are going to get bored (you are already? Sorry – almost finished – just give me a few more minutes).  And these are the biggies that are currently front-and-center for me.  Any tips or suggestions would be most welcome – What do you keep on hand in the pantry for quick, healthy meals?  How do you maintain an uncluttered house?  How do you fit in a big project?  When do you make time for yourself?  Do you have a system for keeping lists, files, or items that would help me?

 

C’mon, people!  I know you are full of ideas so let’s share!

A surprise

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After Farmer Boy’s initial consultation, the child psychologist called me in to confirm my suspicion that there is something going on with his processing skills.  After the last testing session (he is halfway done at this point) she called me in to discuss also evaluating him for ADHD.

 

I must say this came as a shock to me, though I trust her as the professional and have been consistently pleased with her work.  I took the new forms and questionnaires and have given them out to the appropriate people to be filled out.  I know people close to a situation often have a “forest for the trees” thing going on, and that certainly may be the case here.

 

When Shooter was evaluated for ADHD (and found to be brilliant and bored instead) he met several of the markers, and though my gut feelings were validated with the end result, I cannot say I would have been taken by suprise if he had been diagnosed with mild ADHD.

 

With Farmer Boy it would come as a complete and total shock.  I will be surprised if he does not have some sort of processing disorder.  While it is true that he does not like to sit still, he can do it when necessary (he sits perfectly still through Mass, on long drives, when required to for pencil work).  This is the main reason the doctor wants to look further into this possibility – he had a hard time being still through the two hours of testing.  I suggested that this may have been based on discomfort with the situation, but she did not feel that coming from him.  I do notice difficulty keeping his body quiet any time we are working on something he dislikes very much (phonics especially).  And I also wonder if, because we are homeschooling and I allow the children a great deal of freedom in where and how they work, the hours of sitting and completing desk work were just foreign to him.  Otherwise, I can’t see any markers that he hits that any other seven-year-old boy would not also.

 

Certainly his older brother was more extreme in the categories that fell under ADHD, and he fell into more of them as well.

 

But I appreciate that this doctor is thorough.  And just because I had never considered the possibility does not mean that it is not a valid one.

 

I also realized that the forms I am filling out are not sorted well for homeschooling families…there are several questions only I can answer as the teacher that are on the form I am giving to his PSR teacher and grandmother.  And there are several questions on the ‘parent’ form that would probably be easier for those two people to answer than “does the child have difficulty with math.”

 

I appreciate very much that this doctor approaches any situation from a ‘whole child’ perspective and takes these matters into consideration.  We are very blessed to be able to afford to choose a doctor we feel has the most experience and does the most thorough job.  It will likely be a couple of weeks before I have any results, but I will update you when I do have them.

It never fails…

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Something big is going on and a kink appears in the works.

 

Farmer Boy is doing his testing this week, screening for dyslexia (or something like it).  We were on ‘farmcation’ this weekend (when you have to travel to get or do something for your farm, take your whole family along and call it a vacation) and he is now coughing every three minutes and his nose is dripping like a spring-time icicle.

 

I’m sure the testing will still be accurate enough for us to assess his situation, but I know he is not going to be feeling his best.  Poor guy.  He is Mr. Perfectionist anyway, is excruciatingly hard on himself (here’s an example), and is nervous about doing anything that involves reading in front of anyone.

 

Maybe I’m projecting as well – perhaps he hardly notices the dry/hacking cough and constant sniffling unless I’m hollering “BLOW THAT OUT OR YOU’LL GET A SINUS INFECTION!”  Maybe he is comfortable enough with this psychologist that he really, though he’s not looking forward to it, isn’t giving much thought to the assessments.  Certainly we’ve made it (verbally) into a non-issue.

 

Either way, it’s coming and I’m thankful.  I’ll also be thankful when both (the cold and the screening) are finished.

emotive validation and other mumbo-jumbo

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I had an opportunity to see an old friend this weekend.  We had a great discussion about parenting.

 

His parenting situation is different than mine.  Yet our conversation revolved around the common thread for all parents.  It. is. freaking. hard.

 

We discussed walking fine lines, too much/too little discipline, peer influences, parental influences, the things we are trying to do the same as our parents, the things we are making every effort to do differently than our parents, the fact that we are all whack jobs underneath it all, and dealing with nuclear emotional fallout.

 

The tie that binds our parenting philosophies is the same:  We both believe that recognition and validation of a person’s feelings (in this case a child’s) is the most important part of raising a healthy human being.  It may not mean you get your way, but you do have an opportunity to be heard and understand that your feelings have importance.

 

It does not mean you get to do whatever you want.

 

But it does mean that you get to feel whatever you feel.

 

Encouraging our children to verbalize these feelings is what sparks the discussions about what is important, why these feelings are occurring, and how to deal with them.  It is the way in which we teach the principles and values we desire our children to have (I can see how much you want to have that trendy item.  You really love it, think it is so cool and can imagine how great it would be to have.  When you have saved enough money to buy it, you can count on me to bring you back here so you can purchase it yourself).

 

I’ve found this to be essential when there have been hurt feelings.  It is very helpful to encourage each child to voice their feelings and why, to ensure the other parties are listening.  It helps foster understanding and the potential consequences of our words and actions.

 

It is also the most difficult thing to teach control over.  As an adult who puts a great deal of importance on the value of emotions, I must work to keep it in check myself.  Just because I have a certain feeling does not give me the right to take it out on others, nor do they necessarily care (or have reason to) about whatever emotion I am dealing with.  I must not use it to manipulate a situation, and I must not allow it to manipulate what I consider to be appropriate behavior.

 

But it is also the healthiest way to ensure that we are not carrying the burden of guilt, the oppression of anger, the sorrow of forgiveness withheld, the slow rot of bitterness that can spoil the joy of every day life.

 

Part of modeling healthy relationships for our child is allowing them to see problems being worked out, making up, expressing and getting over hurt feelings, expressing and apologizing for letting our emotions get out of control.

 

It is another fine line parents all walk.  And I do feel better having talked with someone about those feelings.

Time marches on

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There was a lot of activity going on yesterday during this story I’m telling.  We had three good friends over to play, and everything was abuzz with happy voices.  Shooter and I were near each other.  I reached out and rubbed his hand as I was (fill in the blank with any regular mom/dad job).

He gave me such a sweet, melancholy smile and said, “I love you, Mom.  I’m growing up, and there’s no way to stop it.”

I stopped what I was doing and answered, “That’s right.  It seems like it is happening slowly to you, but for me it seems like it is happening so fast.  You will be a grown up before we know it.”

He said, “It will be nice to look back on moments like this, to remember how it felt when I was a kid, times that I’ll never get back again.”

 

I waited a moment before taking his hand and telling him, “Son, you are a very wise nine-year-old.  You are going to be an incredible man.”

 

“Thanks, Mom,” he told me.

 

He is right in every way.  I look back on my childhood with such aching joy.  Not the time I spent at school, though that was nice, but the time I spent with my parents and siblings.  And the hours of unstructured time we had to revel in being a child that is absent from adult life. 

I still get moments of such clear memory I’m actually nine again.  The last time it happened I was standing in my mother’s front yard, where I spent so much of my youth.  It was just far enough into autumn to need a jacket (my favorite time of year) and I was watching my own children revel in childhood.  Then the door opened and there she was, my mom, with the smell of meatloaf and hashbrown potatoes wafting out on the warm air behind her.

I wanted that instant to last forever.

I may have grown up, but there is so much security in a mother’s love.  And I know, even though he’ll be grown up and all “I have my own life and opinions thank-you-very-much” just like I am, that he will love me just the same as I do my mother: an endless warmth in my heart filled with gratefullness for incredible mothering from an incredible person.  And I know I will love him just like she loves me, even though it will be all weird because we’ll both be adults but I’ll have the most experience and he’ll probably be doing something stupid – but my love for him will remain unconditional in every way and in awe of how incredible he’s become – all on his own.

 

Thanks, mom.

The Randomness that is me

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Trying to decide what you all might find interesting of the things batting around in my brain this morning and I give up – none of them are that interesting but thank you for reading anyway, so I’ll just tell you all of them.

1) Got my trainer lined up!  Thursday evening for an hour – two sessions.  I’m planning on tips for a full-body workout I can fit in once a week.  He has a big personality and was in the military.  Just my style.  Plus he makes fun of my ponytail bobbing when I run, so I love him.  I’m looking to be sure I’m hitting all the major muscle groups in the strength training I’m using to enhance the running that has become my greatest sanity saver. (Well, what’s left of the sanity, anyway.)

2) Major gym fail this morning.  I was so excited about the trainer, and my new gym bag my parents gave me for Christmas, and my awesome new Fila bra (ok, so it’s a little padded – I miss my milk boobs now that I have no nursling)…wait, where was I? OH right, gym fail…so I packed up my new gym bag, set my alarm for 5 am – and then stayed up laughing with my husband (that’s just an all-the-time thing with him; the laughing.  He’s funny.) until way too late.  Alarm went off and I ALMOST got out of bed.

3) I’m going to have Farmer Boy screened for dyslexia.  There is a history in my husband’s family, and I’ve been suspicious for a year now.  The more I read, the more I discover markers he hits right on target.  It may not be dyslexia, but there is something going on and we’re going to figure out what it is.  My greatest concern is his fragile self-esteem.  Homeschooling has done wonders for him in that department, but it is part of his personality to expect perfection of himself and always feel he is falling short.  He also tends toward anxiety before a new/unknown experience. 

Fortunately, I know and trust the psychologist who will be doing the screening, she is wonderful.  She is the same professional who was recommended by a friend whose son turned out to have pretty severe dysgraphia when my oldest was having issues in school.  The school told me medicating my child was inevitable, but after screening with this doctor it turned out I was right all along – he was just smart and bored.

If there is one thing I’ve learned in my (nearly) ten years mothering, it is to trust my instincts.  If I could express the one most important parenting tool every new mother should have, it is to tune into those feelings and follow them.  No one knows a child like the mother (parents) and she (they) are the ones best equipped to understand and evaluate that child. 

My instincts have been telling me for quite some time now that there is another issue occurring with Farmer Boy’s learning.  It’s time for me to follow up on it.

4) I have no idea what I’m making for dinner tonight.

5) Major goal for the day: de-Christmas the house, beginning with the tree.

A related tip I tried last year that is terrific – Store your breakable ornaments in egg cartons.  I know what you are thinking:  gee, thanks SO much Jessica for that great tip that I have no way to use now that all the NORMAL people on the planet are finished putting away their holiday decor and there is NO way I will remember it in 11.5 months.  But nice try.

You’re welcome! xo

What goes around comes around.

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When I was five, I loved the sound of scissors cutting hair.  That noise gave me a tingling adrenaline rush, a strange ecstasy. 

I know.  Yes, I have always been this strange.

I waited until my  mother was vacuuming in the other end of the house.  I went to the craft drawer and removed my safety scissors – the child-size ones with just a small amount of metal blade embedded in the pink and white plastic.  I crawled behind the green (it was 1982, people) couch and gave into temptation.

Oh, the beautiful slicing sound!  I closed my eyes while I listened to it, enjoying the new sensation of knowing exactly when it would happen because it was in tandem with my fingers moving the scissors.

But ever the goody-goody, I stopped myself at two slices of bang.  I wanted to be sure I didn’t get caught and I wasn’t sure how much longer mom would be occupied.  So, to be certain no one would ever know, I spread the wispy blonde hair, like confetti or flower seeds, behind the couch (yes, my mother is that much better a housekeeper than me – she frequently moved furniture when cleaning).

Once I had replaced the scissors, I felt jubilant.  I had done it!  My secret was safe!  I got away with it!  I was so smart…my careful planning and good ideas had really come through and I’d triumphed the oppression that is being five.

Then my mother came through the kitchen, humming.  She smiled at me as she was going past, cheerful and loving. 

Can you imagine MY face?  The “I’m-innocent-don’t-worry-about-whatever-I’ve-been-doing” smile, the bright, wide eyes, the odd body posture as I stood there, doing nothing, going nowhere, suddenly aware how obtuse my inactivity was at that exact moment?

I still remember when my mother’s eyebrows lifted, her eyes (which are nearly identical to mine) widened like a ripple in water, arms hanging akimbo and her foot making a sudden thump as she drew up to a sudden stop on the linoleum floor. 

My face must have fallen just a little bit, my composure fissuring.

“Jessica Mae! Did you cut your hair?!”  

 

At this point I actually remember physically being aware of my shoulders dropping, my mouth hanging open, the muscles in my face feeling literally pulled down by gravity I had forgotten existed.  A burst of complete awe opened in the back of my brain and I exclaimed “HOW did you KNOW?!”

I vaguely remember mom looking at my like “Oh PULEEEZE!” and I’ve never stopped believing it took me years to stop believing she was actually magic.  (This helped a lot in encouraging me to follow the rules.  Most of my sneakiness died right there. I was no fool.)

You can guess where this is going. 

Little Cowgirl has new, oddly shaped bangs and layering on the right side of her face. 

I took away all the scissors and put them with the pens in my desk.  I told her she will have to ask before she may use them and then she will have to do her cutting work in the same room as me.

Then, I found odd places of missing hair on the tamest of a new litter of kittens we were given last week.

I told her she may not use scissors at all for the rest of the summer.  She will have to wait until kindergarten.

She doesn’t know it’s only a month until then, but it will feel like forever to her regardless.  As we were going to sleep last night, I worried out loud to My Farmer that I was too harsh.  But there’s so much going on at this house that I tend to forget if-then rules (if you want to use scissors, then you have to ask me first and use them in the same room as me) and my children know and take advantage of this.  They have openly told me before, “I thought you had forgotten by now.”  Also, I’m a believer in erring on the side of too much rather than too little.  It’s easier for everyone to come down (you have been showing me with your good behavior that you are ready to fill in the blank again) then to ramp up (I already told you not to X!  Now I’m going to Y to make sure you don’t anymore!).

I’m sure my mother is enjoying this post even more than usual.  Love you Mom, thanks for being magic.  Little Cowgirl is far too pragmatic for that, but at least she won’t have a new haircut for the next month.

Hobby Sharing

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A terrific gal who reads the blog (here is her’s if you want to take a look) mentioned that her daughter wanted to learn to crochet.   Here are a few links for anyone who has a child (or is themselves!) interested:

http://crochet.about.com/od/learnbasics/ss/stchain.htm

That one is pictorial.  Here is a video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ce03U8pk_5o

If you live anywhere nearby (you know who you are) I’d be glad to show you.  It is not as hard as it looks!  Most craft stores have all kinds of children’s crochet or knit kits.  Most recommendations will include starting with bigger needles, but in my personal experience it depends on your child.  If your child has more advanced fine motor skills a smaller needle would likely work better (think in terms of crayons – do they prefer the thick, chunky ones or the slim, regular version?).

If you know someone who knits or crochets then you could probably ask them for a tutorial, a borrowed needle or hook (most of us have a fanatic collection a few extras), and some scrap yarn.  This way your child can experiment (for free!) before you invest in supplies for a hobby that may or may not be picked up again.  Both of my boys have their own yarn and crochet hooks/knitting needles.  They keep them in John Deere tool bags.  It is a favorite winter project for them and their creations make fun gifts or holiday decorations.  Cowgirl is focused on bracelets right now – because they only take a few minutes to complete and she can do them with mommy’s hook and any scrap of yarn she chooses.