Tag Archives: guilt

I know it’s the circle of life and I still think it sucks.

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My mother-in-law was finally released from the hospital last week.

 

We are SO GLAD to have her home.

 

And yet, what seemed like it would be a sure-fire pick-me-up for everyone has, in some ways, been fraught with unforeseen difficulties.  While having her home, with her own things, in her own place, with her own comfortable bed/chair/clothing has been a warm relief, there is also the stark reminder of how serious her condition is when all the furniture is moved to make room for the walker, when she needs help to get in and out of that bed or chair.  The current loss of independence she is suffering is a shock in and of itself – regardless of the fact that we all knew beforehand.  It’s still different to see it.  Our prayer is for this to be temporary.

 

And she is continuing to undergo chemotherapy treatments, while working to build her strength again in hopes of regaining some of the way life was before the hospital stay.

 

My father-in-law, who has always been the provider and never the caregiver, is my hero.  His devotion is so nakedly clear it’s painful and beautiful to see.

 

Yesterday, a wonderful home health company was involved for the first full day.  They are providing skilled nursing care along with home health aides.  It was the first day in a very long time that I wasn’t somehow directly involved with our family’s situation.  We did the entire day’s worth of school, I cooked TWO hot meals for my family, we ate on actual dishes instead of paper plates, I did all the bookwork, made it to all the lessons, folded and put away all the laundry.

 

And I feel SO guilty.

 

I even went running this morning.

 

And all I can think, as thankful as I am to have things kind of back to “normal” (whatever that means), is that everything at my neighbor/business partner/friend/in-law’s house is completely different, and they are trying to adjust to a new normal.  Who says I deserve to have normal?

 

And I also realize this is unreasonable of me to feel.  But I still do.

 

 

Glad to be back sharing my whining/pining/wheel spinning/frothing thoughts with you again, my friends.

 

Coming soon:  Pictures of the first day of school, an outline of our approach to religion in our homeschool, and some funny stories.  I’ve still been contributing over at Growing Your Homeschool every couple of weeks, and have a piece there today, so please feel free to show some love over there as well!

Are you able to see the wolf in sheep’s clothing?

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Nestle’ has introduced a new product (they are the parent company of Gerber, who manufactures infant formula).  The more recent comeback of breastfeeding popularity in our society is causing slumping sales for formula companies.  Trying to find another way into the pockets of families, they have introduced a “Keurig” for formula.  In the past several days, I’ve seen it pop up on my Facebook page in various articles and blogs, but I wanted to share this one in particular:  politicsrespun.  What struck me was not the opinion itself (though it is very good writing), but the comments.  Here is what struck a discordant note with me:

 

Mad as Hell
May 26th, 2011 @ 1:21 pm

Youn know. Its people like you that made my wife feel like a failure for not being able to breastfeed. For about a day that is, until the joys of formula feeding started to show themselves.

And we have the happiest little girl you can possibly imagine. She ate meat at 4 months and loved it

I know more about the biology of antibodies then most people who read this and I can say this…..you want to breastfeed, go ahead. But keep your recriminations to yourself, because none of us want to hear about it…and at the end of the day, none of us care about you or your crazy, misguided approach to raising children.

This kind of thinking led right to the ‘Genderless child’ in Toronto

Shut up and leave us alone.

Formula Feeder, and proud of it

 

 

There are so many things wrong with this, I’m not sure where to start.  I didn’t reply on the blog because there were several excellent and sensitive replies.  But I still wanted to talk about it so I’m going to do so here in an effort to stimulate some productive conversation.

 

1)  The blog was criticizing formula companies and their marketing tactics, not women who cannot breastfeed.  It did also lay blame upon medical institutions and professionals who take monetary (or other) rewards from formula companies to promote their products (note:  when you tell a new mother that breastfeeding is best as you hand her a sample of Gerber formula and a brochure about their new machine, it is like telling a blind date you had a nice time even though you have no intention of ever seeing them again so you give them a fake number.)

 

2)I am very sorry this man’s wife feels so badly.  She obviously had a great desire to breastfeed!  The anger here is justified, however misplaced.  One day is not long enough to know if a person is medically unable to breastfeed.  I do not know the exact circumstances in this case, but it takes an average of 3-5 day for a mother’s milk to come in.  So unless she didn’t have nipples, a day is not long enough to try (and if she didn’t have nipples, I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t have tried).  This man and his wife have been victims of poor information and lack of support.  Her option to breastfeed was stolen from her by the withholding of correct and helpful information.  If she (and he) had been given proper encouragement and support for her desires, if she had been given support and the facts she needed, her story may have been very different.  The anger needs to be placed upon those who put her in a position of failure.  SHE did not fail.  THEY FAILED HER.

 

3)  I am very glad for their beautiful and happy daughter.  Children are a joy, a gift, and awaken in us the most heart-rending love humanly possible no matter how they are fed.  I am very thankful formula is available when it is necessary.

 

4)  The AAP and the WHO (World Health Organization) recommend *exclusive* (this means absolutely nothing else – no water, juice, formula) breastfeeding for the first six months.  The little girl referred to in this angry comment was formula fed, and therefore needed to start solid foods earlier because formula does NOT meet all of her nutritional needs as breastfeeding would have (no wonder the mother wanted to breastfeed!).  There is actually nothing wrong with feeding an infant pureed meat.  It is an excellent source of iron, which all babies need.  Two of my infants started with meat.  It is a better alternative than cereals, as they are chalk-full of some of the most common food allergens.  And the earlier an infant begins on solid foods, the higher their risk for food allergies.  If you are fortunate enough to be breastfeeding, it is wonderful to know that you are providing what your baby needs within the biological norm of our species.  If you are formula feeding, it is very important that you are supplementing your baby’s nutrition.

 

5)  Of course, you realize the formula companies also manufacture all those cereals and baby foods?

 

6)  Um, if this person really does know more about antibodies than me, I think he would have the desire to be more informed about breastfeeding so that he and his wife can be better prepared to fend off toxic information and support if they have another child.  Properly informed support from spouses and grandparents have been found to be the single most important factor determining the success of a breastfeeding relationship.  As so many mothers can tell you – they really wanted to breastfeed their baby and the system failed them and their supportive-but-uninformed partners.  These parents are putting misplaced trust with individuals (hospitals, OB/GYNs, Nurses and Pediatricians – all well intentioned) who are improperly educated by the formula companies themselves.

 

7)  None of this blog was a recrimination of mothers who formula feed.  This was a recrimination of the companies that manufacture formula for the express purpose of making as much money as possible, regardless of the health of the consumers.  I find it especially distasteful seeing as the consumers who suffer most of the physical consequences have no voice.  (The mother also suffers physical consequences as well, though not as many or as severe.)  Formula is an important and necessary tool.  It can truly be a life saver in every sense.  But consumers need to be fully informed that they and their baby are going to suffer consequences for a choice that is insidiously posed as ‘convenient’ by clever marketing and unethically promoted by institutions that parents trust to have their best interest in mind.  I realize it is in the consumer’s hands.  But it is hard to choose to breastfeed when you are encouraged to give the baby formula the first day you are in the hospital postpartum because you are having trouble latching the baby on.  Formula companies have been reduced from marketing themselves as better than breastmilk to just as good as breastmilk to their current representation of “breastmilk is the very best, but our product is a close second and more convenient.”  None of these ever has been or ever will be true.

 

8 ) If that last point was a bit long, let me sum it up for you.  They just want your money, people.  Just like everyone selling something.  You have to be an informed consumer.  Do not take what they say at face value.  It is like watching an election debate – nobody really says what they mean, it’s all been rehearsed so many times it smacks of insincerity, and most of the time nobody actually answers a question.  It’s lots of fancy slogans and banners designed to make you feel good enough about the candidate to vote for them.  But you don’t really know enough about them to understand what you are really getting.

 

9)  How in any way did this article show breastfeeding as a crazy and misguided approach to parenting? Nor does it suggest formula feeding to be a crazy or misguided way of loving and raising children.  Rather, it is an open criticism of a company’s obvious bid for money over the health and well being of its consumers.

 

10)  The raising of the genderless child in Toronto is actually much more like formula feeding than Mad as Hell would like to think.  For those of you not following me – we don’t really know how the children in this family are going to be affected by their parents attempts to protect them from gender stereotyping.  We know they obviously love them very much and are doing what they feel is the best thing for their family.  It is a social experiment, in a way.  Not because these parents want to experiment with their children, but because they truly believe with every fiber of their existence that they are doing what must be done to bring their children up the very best way they can even though it is different than everyone else.  A lot like Mad As Hell because there is not an understanding of the long-term effects of formula feeding of infants, and the more studies are done the worse the news gets.  But formula companies keep right on pushing it as an excellent choice and health care professionals keep letting them.  And guess what – unlike Storm’s parents, who are alone in their chioces, Mad As Hell is surrounded by families in similar situations.  And I’m certain Mad As Hell and his wife love their daughter more than anything in the world and believe with every fiber of their being that formula was the right and best choice for them at the time.  He may feel that he knows it is bad for those three children in Toronto to be raised without gender-bias, but we all know it is worse for their daughter to have formula when his wife should have been given better support and information than she was in order to have a choice at all.  The parents in Toronto made their choice freely, but Mad As Hell and his wife had their choice removed from them.

 

11)  The author was not talking to Mad As Hell.  At all.  Telling the author to “shut up and leave us alone” shows how deep the wounds can cut when we are pitted against one another over an issue that involves such intense feelings.  I think this is something Mad As Hell should be telling the formula companies.

 

12) Regardless of how this family feeds their infant, I know how much they love her and how proud they are of her.

 

What am I doing wrong?

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I grew up in a very peaceful home.  I don’t seem to be providing the same sort of environment somehow at my own house.

 

My children are very good friends, and 90% of the time they play together happily and work out their own difficulties.

 

The problem is the ten percent of time when they do not.  Take yesterday for example.  By the time I got to the room I heard the yelling from (From the time the hollering began until the time I arrived was probably close to 15 seconds) this is what I found:

 

Two crying, injured boys (sibling-inflicted) and smashed Easter egg all over the floor.

 

The worst part was, all I could come up with to say was “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!  WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!  YOU ARE HURTING EACH OTHER OVER AN EGG SHELL!!!!”

 

I stopped when I saw my daughter, cowering in the kitchen chair surrounded by the yelling, hands over her ears, eyes wide and on the ground.

 

As I was holding her, saying “you poor thing, that must have been so hard to watch” she started talking about how she asked who had colored a certain egg, which had started a yelling match between the boys, followed by kicking and tackling.  Yelling continued in the background, as I tried to comfort one and quiet the others.  It was an unmitigated disaster.

 

I am not sure how I failed so miserably in this particular area with my children, but please let’s be clear here:  I am not blogging this to publicly flog myself.  I am trying to solve it.  I am a person of quick and hard temper, and I need a way to help myself and especially to give my sons the tools to control their impulses once they are angry.  The comments have been quiet around here lately, but I really need some help on this one.  I am feeling pretty lost.  I am a very intentional parent and I want to evaluate and change the way I am mothering to break up this pattern, but I need the “wisdom of the group” right now.

The power of principle

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I’ve had a pretty packed last six months or year.  There have been many changes and different challenges.  There has been a lot on my plate, and even more on my husband’s.

 

At times, this year has put me in a place that has become completely overwhelming.  Too many things that need to be done all at one time.  For lots of people, it works to give a few things up in order to make life less complicated.  In some ways, I have done that.  But mostly I gave things up that I was already not doing (or at least not doing properly).  I resigned a volunteer job I’ve worked at for the last eight years, and though I’m really sad about it and loved (very much!) the organization and the work, I wasn’t. actually. doing. anything.  I was asked to be on a committee at the Parish to help with a process we are involved in.  I helped for the first stages of the committee’s work, but since spring hit I’ve missed everything and in two weeks the job is over.  Mostly I’ve given up things like keeping the house, van, or yard very nicely.

 

Then, I started Flying again.  And I came to terms with the fact that I am really not happy unless I am UP TO HERE in activity.  I’ve been that way since I was able to choose my own extracurricular stuff.  I really like it.  But I need to find balance.  Flylady has helped me stay more organized at home so I can be more efficient with my time, and though housework is the first thing I tend to let slide, it is the first thing that makes me grumpy and unfit-to-live-with.

 

Then, a couple of weeks ago, my BFF mentioned feeling like things were out of control in her world so she put a list of her priorities on the refrigerator.

 

KABLAMO!

 

Blew my mind.  It really helped me to figure out what I’m doing with trying to get things re-balanced.  This was one of the main reasons I began looking for an “all-in-one” curriculum that will require as little planning/legwork on my part as possible.  Money and control were less important to me than making school a pleasant and stream-lined activity that we can do well at home and still have plenty of time and energy for all the other things we want to and (I) have to do.

 

What I feed my family is very important to me.  I try to make different meals with as large a variety of foods in as close to their natural state as possible.  I’m going to allow myself to keep this as important and make time to cook meals from scratch and buy the expensive fresh produce without guilt.  This is one of my priorities.  And because I allow this to be a focus, I’m not going to worry about it when we ‘fall off the wagon’ for a time period or with a specific product that makes things much easier for us when things are especially busy.

 

Helping with the farm is very important to me.  I am going to work to streamline my other responsibilities (see curriculum comments above) in order to devote enough time (see remarks about giving things up) to stay involved and be dependable.  It brings My Farmer and I so much joy to work together, whether it is in the office or in the field.  It was always part of our vision and work is one way we both show our love and find personal reward.

 

Being a kind and fully-present parent is important to me.  I will apologize when I am not doing so.  I will continue to pray an act of contrition each night, and a self-offering prayer each morning.  This is a practice I began with Lent and it has helped me so much – I take time to think about my errors and forgive myself each night, then start fresh every morning with my priorities in mind.  I will work to stay organized so that I can be more focused and less pressured in my daily life.  (For my non- or less-religious readers, obviously this can be done without the praying part.  The forgiving and offering parts are the critical ones to include if you want to give it a try.)

 

God is important to me, and being a part of the community of Church.  This is one area in my life where I feel satisfied with the way things are working – probably because everything is easier when it takes the approach of “community.”  I don’t need to do it all – there are lots of us!  I just need to do what I can with the gifts that I have.  I will continue helping where I can, taking my children to weekly and holy day Masses, and incorporate faith into our regular, daily routines.

 

Exercise is important to me.  It keeps me healthy, and most importantly it keeps me sane.  I will give up other activities (like sleep) and bend my other priorities (for instance taking my children to the gym’s childcare area while I run or work-out) so that I can participate in this.  I will seek out opportunities to do so and not feel guilty about time away from my family so that I can take good care of my own body and mind.

 

Staying organized is important to me so I can accomplish all of these priorities.  I know this is just the tip of the iceburg as far as what is important – I don’t have anything in here about friends or extended family or time with my spouse (which are all critical priorities for me as well) but there’s only so much I can write before you all are going to get bored (you are already? Sorry – almost finished – just give me a few more minutes).  And these are the biggies that are currently front-and-center for me.  Any tips or suggestions would be most welcome – What do you keep on hand in the pantry for quick, healthy meals?  How do you maintain an uncluttered house?  How do you fit in a big project?  When do you make time for yourself?  Do you have a system for keeping lists, files, or items that would help me?

 

C’mon, people!  I know you are full of ideas so let’s share!

Hmmmm.

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Well, I mentioned the idea of a tutor to Farmer Boy last night.  If the crying were any indication, I would say the idea did not go over well.

 

He was immediately furious – he reminded me of a cornered animal, I could actually see the panic in his face.

 

During the ‘discussion’ I was working very hard to bring things back to calm, so he could actually listen to the things I was saying and articulate the things he wanted to say without coating them in malice or trauma.

 

Best I can decipher at this point is that he is completely averse to the idea because he is terrified of E.V.E.R reading in front of a stranger.  During some of the slightly lucid moments, he talked about not ever wanting anyone to teach him phonics except for me, hating to read AND THEREFORE (aka duh Mom!) hating reading in front of a STRANGER even more!  And NO IT WOULD NOT matter if I were in the room with him!  And NO it did NOT MATTER if they have special training for teaching people who learn differently!

 

He did become noticeably calmer when I mentioned that this was not a stranger, in fact it is his friend Henry’s kindergarten teacher.  And actually  the whole point of going is because dyslexia does not mean that reading will always be this way, it just means you need to learn phonics in the way that dyslexic people learn them and THEN you won’t hate reading because it won’t be so hard anymore!  It will make sense!  And you would not need to feel nervous about it, because everyone who has special time with a teacher for anything gets to start at the very beginning, like knowing the names of the letters in the alphabet.  And in fact, you already know so much more than most kids who are dealing with dyslexia, Dr. P (the child psychologist) told me about that when she was mentioning that you have an absolutely amazing memory.

 

He is a person of such explosive emotions, and I feel that so much of his life experience has lent itself to his being that way.  The first time I EVER let him go anywhere without me (right after his baby sister was born, mind you) his finger got shut in a door and the tip was nearly cut completely off, resulting in the most horrific afternoon of his life up to that point – maybe ever, considering that we didn’t have the boys circumcised.  Of course it included me holding him down for numbing and stitching.

When he got his first loose tooth, we were so excited, until a month later when I noticed his new tooth coming in behind it.  I told him we were going to show his new loose tooth to the dentist (let me know if you are ever looking for a pediatric dentist in my area, we absolutely adore ours and I recommend their offices 100%) and lo and behold the child needed to have FOUR teeth pulled.  Also laughing gas effects him ZERO.  And also the numbing shots.  ZERO.  His pain tolerance is on about the same level, so it does not make for a good story.

 

Part of what is so hard about this is none of it is the way I want to parent.  It is SO FAR away from what I am trying to build.  My goal is to have trusting, open relationships with my children, where they know I am in charge but still feel that they are important.

 

It appears to be working out alright with Shooter and Little Cowgirl, but Farmer Boy is a different mold and I need to change the way I am doing things with him but I don’t know how.  I spend a lot of time being the “mean mommy,” which could be because during the time he needed to have boundaries set and held, I had a tumor removed from my leg (it ended up being benign) and was doing my parenting from the couch during a four-month period right before his third birthday.  This, of course, mostly involved just getting through each day with everyone intact and my loving caregivers ever wanting to return again.

 

Mostly I think it’s just his personality combined with my personality combined with life events.

 

The worst part is, that my personality is the type that believes I probably could tutor him myself.  The more I have read, the more convinced and thankful I am that God struck me with the inspiration to purchase (AT FULL COST, mind you!) the one homeschool phonics program that is nearly the same as the tutoring method I would choose if I could.  It was completely out of character for me to do so, especially considering that we were already 1/4 of the way into our current school year and I may a complete language arts curriculum switch for him.  It was immediately successful and has made a truly measurable difference in his reading ability, which has consistently improved since we began the program.  It is modeled after the highly-touted Orton-Gillingham method for teaching dyslexics.  It has one more level I could use for him next year.

 

I think I know enough now to help him if I can’t convince him a $30-an-hour tutor can do it better.

 

SERIOUSLY HOW MUCH HUBRIS CAN ONE PERSON CONTAIN???!!!

 

I am torn between the idea that I could not possibly help him as much as a person with months of training specifically for tutoring dyslexic students and the idea that one person with months of training for helping dyslexics could not possibly help him as much as the person who loves and knows him better than anyone except for God Himself and has nearly eight years of training in doing so.

 

I am embarrassed even writing that.

 

We live in a culture that gives utmost weight and authority to the opinion and advice of “experts.”  I have parented in a counter-cultural manner since the day my first child was born TEN YEARS AGO (holy crap when did I start getting old?) and have grown in confidence that, in all actuality, I AM the expert on my own children.

 

My usual course of action is more information.  I intend to continue to research dyslexic learning and teaching dyslexics, and at some point I will either feel I know enough or I will know I don’t.  Until then I’m going to continue promoting the idea of a tutor.  I told Farmer Boy when we finished talking last night that Dad and I have not made a decision, and that we do care how he feels.  But he is not in charge and does not get to decide, and his best course of action is to continue to discuss it CALMLY with us and to listen to what we think.  He is a high-anxiety person and new things bother him.  New people, at first, make him shy.  The idea of being in a strange place, with a strange person, doing something that is a constant mystery to him, well…it gives him anxiety.  However, I also think he will adjust to the idea as we talk about it more.

 

For now I’m going back to reading Overcoming Dyslexia, which has been a great resource although (as far as I can tell) it completely discounts homeschooling.  I expect that is more because, like the rest of the nation (and me) the author has had almost no exposure to (and therefore has no opinion about) homeschooling a dyslexic child than because the author has a poor opinion of homeschooling.

 

WOW.  I also see, now that I have linked the book on Amazon, that I paid two times too much for it at the doctor’s office.  (Open hand, insert forehead.)

emotive validation and other mumbo-jumbo

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I had an opportunity to see an old friend this weekend.  We had a great discussion about parenting.

 

His parenting situation is different than mine.  Yet our conversation revolved around the common thread for all parents.  It. is. freaking. hard.

 

We discussed walking fine lines, too much/too little discipline, peer influences, parental influences, the things we are trying to do the same as our parents, the things we are making every effort to do differently than our parents, the fact that we are all whack jobs underneath it all, and dealing with nuclear emotional fallout.

 

The tie that binds our parenting philosophies is the same:  We both believe that recognition and validation of a person’s feelings (in this case a child’s) is the most important part of raising a healthy human being.  It may not mean you get your way, but you do have an opportunity to be heard and understand that your feelings have importance.

 

It does not mean you get to do whatever you want.

 

But it does mean that you get to feel whatever you feel.

 

Encouraging our children to verbalize these feelings is what sparks the discussions about what is important, why these feelings are occurring, and how to deal with them.  It is the way in which we teach the principles and values we desire our children to have (I can see how much you want to have that trendy item.  You really love it, think it is so cool and can imagine how great it would be to have.  When you have saved enough money to buy it, you can count on me to bring you back here so you can purchase it yourself).

 

I’ve found this to be essential when there have been hurt feelings.  It is very helpful to encourage each child to voice their feelings and why, to ensure the other parties are listening.  It helps foster understanding and the potential consequences of our words and actions.

 

It is also the most difficult thing to teach control over.  As an adult who puts a great deal of importance on the value of emotions, I must work to keep it in check myself.  Just because I have a certain feeling does not give me the right to take it out on others, nor do they necessarily care (or have reason to) about whatever emotion I am dealing with.  I must not use it to manipulate a situation, and I must not allow it to manipulate what I consider to be appropriate behavior.

 

But it is also the healthiest way to ensure that we are not carrying the burden of guilt, the oppression of anger, the sorrow of forgiveness withheld, the slow rot of bitterness that can spoil the joy of every day life.

 

Part of modeling healthy relationships for our child is allowing them to see problems being worked out, making up, expressing and getting over hurt feelings, expressing and apologizing for letting our emotions get out of control.

 

It is another fine line parents all walk.  And I do feel better having talked with someone about those feelings.

Advent

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In the middle of my list from earlier, there was a big fight.

It involved stringing Christmas lights in a bedroom and ended with a physical altercation.

 

Hopefully by now you realize I wasn’t actually involved in the fight.

 

I was, however, involved in the aftermath and none of us felt very good when it was over. 

Thankfully, I hadn’t gotten to “checking the liquor cabinet” on the list yet, because we dropped everything and went to the Sacrament of Reconciliation.    Here I have been, focusing on everything else about Christmas instead of looking into my own heart to see if it was ready to receive Christ.  Reconciliation is such a gift, and I am so thankful to have gone today.  Now I truly feel full of peace and love, steeped in Advent, in waiting in joyful hope for the coming of the Lord.  Forgiveness (or withholding it) holds more power than we understand, until we are forgiven.  This sacrament allows me the grace to forgive others and, most especially, to forgive myself.

I had never looked at it as a parenting tool, either, but it was a transforming experience to see the children before and after.  Peace reigns.

 

Act of contrition:

Oh my God, I am sorry for my sins.  In choosing to sin and failing to do good, I have sinned against you and your Church.  I firmly intend, with the help of your Son, to do penance and to sin no more.  Amen.

Full disclosure

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I have recently had a few off-blog comments about this post in which I try to put a humorous spin on a really bad day.

A friend of mine – one of those people I never get to see but from the moment we met we really connected and every time we talk we both have words flying out of our mouth as fast as we can and we never really get to fully finish a conversation so we just pick right back up where we left off when we see each other again – yes let’s see if I can make this sentence any longer – where was I? Oh yes…

A friend of mine who I ran into mentioned she loved the blog but I was a bit hard on myself. 

I realized I may have given the wrong impression with that post, seeing as this is the 5th or 25th personal comment I’ve received since that post.  So let me explain…

No, there is too much, letmesumup…(name that movie)

I am perfectly comfortable with the knowledge that I am not perfect in any way.  I deal with mistakes via humor.  I actually feel much better once I’ve acknowledged a mistake or personality flaw or something terrible I’ve done without thinking and make fun of it.  Laughter is my therapy.  If you have ever met my father or My Farmer in real life, that will help you understand.  They are always willing to laugh and also make light of things via jokes – it saves face in a way, for me.

But here is the catch…

I also really do think I am totally awesome.

I even think it’s awesome that I can admit that I’m totally awesome after I’ve broken out the minivan’s tail light.

Right after I got it back from the body shop.

Where it was being repaired from another Jessica-inflicted injury.

I still think I’m awesome even when I’ve double-booked activities for the kids one evening and spent an hour getting everything organized and gathered for the two-town trip…then after the first activity is over realized I’ve left the sack lunches in the fridge… Followed by having to detour and drive through (goodbye ten dollars I wanted for something else) a junky fast food establishment thereby arriving late for second activity…I still think I’m awesome.

I promise you all that, even though some days I really suck, I know I’m doing my best and that is close enough for me.  I think you are all awesome, too.  I give everyone the benefit of the doubt on the doing-your-best clause.  I don’t try not to compare myself (or you) to other peeps because that’s apples and oranges.  Even on days I don’t have my “A-game” and I feel bad because I (insert your choice here: yelled at children, broke something, took the easy way out, no one has clean jeans, fed the kids crappy food, forgot to pay a bill, misplaced something important, acted like a total Beeeeeotch, didn’t notice the cat on death’s door with tapeworm, missed an appointment, you get the idea) I still think I’m awesome.  I think I’m awesome because I’m willing to fess up to whichever imperfection rears its head at the time and try to make it better.  I’m into the whole “living an examined life” business.  And I’ll still think I’m awesome because usually those things don’t all occur on the same day.

Everyone makes mistakes every single day.  And on my list in that blog I listed forgiveness as something I’m good at – I’m good at forgiving myself as well.  Being self-critical makes me a better person in lots of ways because I’m SO a middle-child attention whore and I’m always trying to be and do better.  Mistakes give me places to put that energy.

Which I think is awesome.

Also my parents did a terrific job of instilling self-confindence.  I’m completely secure in myself.  I am awesome.  I make mistakes.  Those are not mutually exclusive.  Just authentically human.

I really love it that so many people are reading and thinking about what I’m saying and it makes me feel warm-and-fuzzy that I have friends and family who are concerned that I might be feeling down on myself.

But seriously everybody, even when I’m down on myself I still know I’m awesome because I’m going to do my best to make it better.

I know that’s all Pollyanna and simplistic but in this case, for me,  it’s true.

So laugh with me over my mistakes and know I’ve forgiven myself by the time I’m willing to share it here.  I may never live it down, but I’ve forgiven myself.  And moved on.  To the body shop where the shop manager has my email and cell phone.

Addicitive behaviors…

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I haven’t blogged yet about the disaster in the gulf of Mexico from the oil rig that exploded more than 50 days ago.  I’ve been having a really hard time with it – the environmental crisis and the blogging about it.  The devastated habitats make me literally nauseous, and my attempts to blog about it keep bringing me back to a very uncomfortable truth about where the fault lies.

Each morning I watch the news updates about the most recent failure to contain the spill, the anger of the people, the frustration of the workers, and the pictures of the flora and fauna of the gulf ecosystem being slowly and silently slain by it.

I have felt many things toward the different people, organizations and businesses that are involved in this crisis.  But until this last week I have not been willing to examine my feelings toward my own self, and my own addiction to oil and its products.  I am as guilty as anyone I know in my blase’ use of oil without thinking about its direct impact on our planet.

There has been a slow but sure move toward decreasing dependence at my house before the spill.  One of the ways we use less oil indirectly is in how we eat.  We do not buy packaged foods that contain petroleum byproducts.  I buy flour from a local mill.  We grow lots of our own vegetables in the summer.  We share them with neighbors and are thankful for neighbors who share other produce with us.  I have been purchasing hygiene and beauty products without petroleum byproducts in them.

Okay, I’m having trouble finding hair products that I like.  Any suggestions?  I did, however, make the kids switch shampoo, conditioner, lotion, soap and sunscreen.  They still look awesome, but alas I lack their youth.

And, obviously, I breastfed all of my children and didn’t buy them prepackaged baby foods.  I also used cloth diapers (most of the time).  It makes me feel a little better to think of all the petroleum products I did not consume via the processing of formula, bottles and feeding equipment, those actually in disposable diapers and all the fuel used to haul those products from factory to store.  When you realize how much formula and how many diapers I have NOT used over an 8 year period, that is a lot!

I also started cleaning with things like vinegar and baking soda once I had babies.  I didn’t want them exposed to all the chemicals in most cleaning products, and most of those products contained some kind of petroleum derivative.

Of course our farm, as far as straight ‘number of gallons’ uses the most petroleum products in our family pie chart.  However, our farm feeds an average of 114 people every year.  And My Farmer works hard to use as little fuel as possible (it’s one of our greatest expenses, of course!) and to keep all of our equipment running as efficiently as possible.  That fuel is not gas being used to drive the kids to the library or make an extra grocery run because I forgot the (insert item here) that we really could do without.  Agriculture is purposeful and necessary petroleum usage.  People need to eat to stay alive.  They do not need to have shiny, frizz-free hair or processed food (I use the term food loosely here because most food that comes in a box has little to no nutritional value at all) to stay alive.

The way I see it, there are two areas where oil usage should be prioritized until we have different (better) technology to replace it.  Those areas are agriculture and defense.  We must eat (and most Americans do not realize that we have the least expensive food in the world) and having a food surplus keeps us independent as well as giving us bargaining power with the rest of the world.  We must also have civil defense.  Our military, as well as those who protect us in our own communities (firefighters, police, EMTs) should have a constant supply of whatever fuels necessary to protect and defend our country.  Both of these elements are necessary for our survival.  But it is my hope that this most recent disaster will finally bring changes in technology that will allow us to wean from the oil industry.  And I hope our farmers and military will be on the forefront of that change.

In the mean time, to preserve petroleum usage for farmers and those in uniform and to reduce environmental impact, here are some things I am going to do to reduce my family’s consumption of petroleum products specifically because of the environmental massacre happening to our gulf coast:

1. Make a conscious and concerted effort to limit trips into town.  I will plan ahead better to combine our errands with our lessons at the YMCA and our other necessary trips (library, swimming) with one another.  I will keep track of them on the calendar to help me plan better as each week goes by.

2.  I will mow less often, letting the grass grow taller between mowing and cutting it shorter when I do mow.

3.  I will begin requiring equal bike time for the boys in exchange for time on their blade-less lawn mower.

4.  I will work harder to buy local fresh produce.

5.  I will work harder to preserve my own fresh produce rather than purchase frozen or canned items for off-season consumption.  I will also work to serve in-season fruits and vegetables to reduce the need for shelf-stable items.

6.  I will offer to carpool any chance I get.  And when we feel the need to ‘get out’ I will try to do it in our own back yard.  When we are in town, I will try to plan walking between destinations when possible.

7.  I will bitch less about BP and spend more time bitching at myself, and attempting to have constructive conversation with others about what we can actually do to help those in the gulf and those at risk for future spills because of our own behaviors.

Another way to change things is through political action.  In actuality, my self-examination began after reading this blog.

Have any of you also been angry but unwilling to examine your own contribution to America’s fuel addiction?  What plans have you made or ideas do you have for reducing your own personal dependence?