I grew up in a very peaceful home. I don’t seem to be providing the same sort of environment somehow at my own house.
My children are very good friends, and 90% of the time they play together happily and work out their own difficulties.
The problem is the ten percent of time when they do not. Take yesterday for example. By the time I got to the room I heard the yelling from (From the time the hollering began until the time I arrived was probably close to 15 seconds) this is what I found:
Two crying, injured boys (sibling-inflicted) and smashed Easter egg all over the floor.
The worst part was, all I could come up with to say was “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! YOU ARE HURTING EACH OTHER OVER AN EGG SHELL!!!!”
I stopped when I saw my daughter, cowering in the kitchen chair surrounded by the yelling, hands over her ears, eyes wide and on the ground.
As I was holding her, saying “you poor thing, that must have been so hard to watch” she started talking about how she asked who had colored a certain egg, which had started a yelling match between the boys, followed by kicking and tackling. Yelling continued in the background, as I tried to comfort one and quiet the others. It was an unmitigated disaster.
I am not sure how I failed so miserably in this particular area with my children, but please let’s be clear here: I am not blogging this to publicly flog myself. I am trying to solve it. I am a person of quick and hard temper, and I need a way to help myself and especially to give my sons the tools to control their impulses once they are angry. The comments have been quiet around here lately, but I really need some help on this one. I am feeling pretty lost. I am a very intentional parent and I want to evaluate and change the way I am mothering to break up this pattern, but I need the “wisdom of the group” right now.
Awww mama….let me first start off by saying (and you know what I’m going to say!) you aren’t really doing anything “wrong.” I think we are just human. Okay, I know you know that. I also know where you’re coming from on SO MANY LEVELS. This is almost a daily occurrence for me. Quick temper. So, I’m kinda in the same boat! I don’t know the answer, and Lord I wish I did. The things that jump out at me are a) your boys get along well NINETY PERCENT of the time, and b) classic sibling rivalry. I’m not a boy, and my own boy was an unusually mild-mannered “softie” and never got physical…he never had a brother to rival! So, I asked my husband. Basically, he thinks boys will be boys, they will sometimes resort to this behavior, and it’s OKAY. I understand that. But I also understand where you’re coming from, that you teach by example (much better than I do, I might add), and that you want to correct your own behavior in order to help your sons correct theirs. I get it…I hope someone in your wise group of followers has some answers or courses of action.
I have one daughter so I don’t have this in my home. Here is just an idea. Maybe take a deep breath to compose yourself before addressing the boys, then if you can get them to sit and talk, start here. A) ask what they are fighting about – only one speaks at a time B) why is one angry C) and then what everyone can do to work through the problem. It may not work well the first time, but you have to start somewhere. I think no matter what you do you will have to try it several times, have faith and stick to it.
Dude. You’re doing great. I have two boys and a girl and it’s just a recipe for this sort of thing. Take any two children on their own and it’s sometimes hard but almost like having no children for all the stress it causes. But three? Oofa. That’s one point. Here’s the important point: it has nothing to do with you or how you’re raising them. I think 90% peace ratio is almost nirvana. I am. One of the mellowest, let them work it out kind of mom a nd ai can’t believe how much yelling I do, and about the dumbest things. Yesterday it was about standing too close outside a bedroom door. I don’t even try to understand sometimes. I just set it right and move on. They feel the pettiness late when they think about it, especially if I make a point of saying, look if you want to get hurt over this, you’ve got some judgment issues. I can’t help toyon this one. Walk away from a fight and live to fight another day and all that.
Wow. Typing on an iPad with a tiny preview window=semblance of illiteracy.
Failed miserably?! God couldn’t keep Cain from killing Abel so cut yourself some slack. Seriously you are doing a great job Yelling is inevitable & apropos at times. Because they get along 90% of the time it is in some ways more shocking when they don’t- especially when it is over something so dumb as an egg. What they are doing sounds age & developmentally appropriate. H&J do it all the time & Tom has to reassure me that it is the way brothers, especially that close in age, try to establish the alpha. And unlike females who will carry a vendetta to the grave-it has been my observation that boys will tussle & then move on.
You can go over the ways to deal with conflict when they are calm. Maybe make a poster to hang on a wall of steps to take & refer back to it when conflicts occur. Reemphasize that physically harming an other or verbally abusing them will result in XYZ.
Or you could be like my mom & make them get on their knees, hold hands & pray of each other….my sister & I HATED when she made us do that-LOL.
Don’t be so hard on yourself. And I bet your childhood wasn’t as peaceful as you remember…you just suppressed the yelling
Hey Jessica…First, it always makes me feel better when someone says to me, you’re not alone, so in hopes of making you feel better, you are NOT alone. My oldest 2 do the same thing and I respond the same way you do, by yelling. I don’t like that I yell at all, but I also realize that I am not a quiet, reserved person, therefore, it would take alot to change my bad habit of yelling. I do, as simple as this sounds, just stop and count to ten, sometimes fifty!! But it helps. I am one that firmly believes in thinking about what you say before you say it and counting to 10 helps me to do that, plus it calms me down. Good luck!!
Sound like it’s time for an ass-whoopin!
. . .
Seriously, though, the best thing to remember is that you are not responsible for other people’s actions (no matter how closely related they are to you). You are responsible *to* your children. I would recommend books, but you have probably read them already (“Love and Logic” “Scream Free Parenting”). Now, I will say that I have not read these books myself, but my dear sweet wife has (and has shared a lot of the core ideas with me), and it has helped her be more dear and sweet and less Linda Blair. Of course, if you are aiming for Mary Poppins, you are doomed (sorry).
I will say that you might take a cue from your farmer-man. This might open up a lot of “How wrong you are!” discussion, but from what I see he is a rather laid-back kind of guy. Now, a lot of women might feel like their husbands ‘do not do enough’ to handle situations, and so are left feeling more stressed and pressured to make it perfect all by themselves. I suggest that the husbands may not do anything because they are letting it roll off of their backs, and would be just fine if their wives would do that too. You might try that and see if it helps. (I heard a mother of lots give a talk once about the most important thing to learn as a parent is the phrase “Oh well.”)
ALTERNATIVELY, you may already be doing what a lot of dads do. I have heard that this is the difference in how moms and dads deal with kids:
Mom: “Nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag nag. . .”
Dad: *ignore* *ignore* *ignore* *ignore* *ignore* *ignore*
I have a tendency towards that latter, and after trying a combination of things I have found that I feel best about how I parent when I do a lot of ignoring and a bit of Bruce Banner “You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry” warning, and then act before I get angry.
Good luck! (also, if you really do have a peaceful house 90% of the time. . . Do you have a spare room?…)
I agree with everyone else. I don’t think you’ve failed at all. This is totally normal for boys this age, and if they get along 90% of the time instead of this being an everyday occurrence then you’re doing great.
You can work on teaching them conflict resolution techniques or ways to stop their temper in its tracks (deep breaths, counting to ten, removing self from the situation), but you can’t present this is the midst of the conflict. And cut yourself a lot of slack — you’re doing a great job. They are kids, and far from perfect.
Jess, there is a nasty bitch in my head today. She is flinging guilt and pointing and laughing at my shortcomings. She has burried my mommy self esteem under a heap of stinky laundry and obscured my reflection with unfinished to do lists. I was toying with the idea of calling you up so you could yell at her and make her leave. Instead I will think about this, and when I get around to calling you we can strategize. For now, I want you to think about those 10 troublsome percent, and to what percent of those you react this way. That is small. And hurting each other over an egg shell is rediculous and wrong. Perhaps, every once in a while, your honest reaction rather than your intentional response is warranted. Peace.
I don’t think there is anything wrong with you yelling at the kids for hurting each other. One of the most discouraging jobs of motherhood is to teach your kids not to hit…….. first.
My opinion, make a black and white rule: No hitting. Whoever hits first is banished to the bedroom, (or XY), maybe even gets yelled at on the way. No appeals, no excuses, no trying to understand how mad one is, or why one is so mad. Quick, simple, final. It can all be discussed later when the dust settles, but if the first blow never comes, there is no hitting.
It’s also a tricky subject, because a person must be able to defend themselves, if attacked, but I think the way to handle it at home, is “FIRST BLOW” is where the line is crossed. (Once this is being observed at home, maybe you can dedicate the next 10 years to the finer points of public defense.)
Discuss it at breakfast, lunch and dinner, etc, with Dad, with Gramma, one on one and altogether, what to do if someone calls you a poopooface, takes your truck, or wrecks your lego, but DON’T HIT, ever. Offer as many creative and alternative actions as you want, but we don’t hit each other, ever. If kids need an adult to referee, you would be happy to do so without any one getting in big trouble… like if they hit. Call for help, or to plead one’s case, but once you hit, there is no case, no pleading, no acquittal, in fact no one cares how you were wronged if you hit.
Kids do fight sometimes, but I think all can be taught to control their tempers, or at least to the point where the damage they do to each other is under your radar, therefore can be tolerated by those involved. Remember the sisters who use to pinch each other silently, so their Mom would not know they were fighting?
And by the way, your example to yell at the kids, tell them to follow it when they get mad. Much better if they yell at each other than hit each other. See, you set a good example. And that way, as long as disagreements can be held below the physical level, we can work them out and no one gets in big trouble.
Everybody YELL, No Hitting! We could make a cheer, a song, a poem, a creed.
People do not hit each other, amen.
It’s like spitting on the floor, just something we do not do.
Go get ‘em tiger!
Re Andrea’s response, I got almost the exact same “answer” when I posed the situation to my husband. Boys will be boys, let ‘em duke it out, and then within minutes everything’s okay. Also, I have to agree with Bob M’s response re the difference in parenting between Mom and Dad. My husband is GREAT at ignoring a lot of the kids’ behaviors that seem to make me boil over! Guess who stays calm the majority of the time? Same person who can keep the kids under control better than I can. I really liked the advice re how Your Farmer can sit them down after everyone is calm and explain how their behavior was disrespectful to Mom and Sis, and the consequences that will surely come if it were to happen again. I like the firm consequences idea, too. Hitting others = XYZ. After reading all the responses here, what I hear that could help me personally with the same situation is “Cut yourself some slack, everyone is human (even moms and kiddos), talk after the dust settles, and set consequences.”
Loving all the comments. Anne, love your zero tolerance policy and the ideas behind learning it. They show that this is serious, but that learning it can be fun and gentle and punitive only as the final resort. Mindy, with sons of my own and many kids in and out of the house, I have learned the same thing. Break it down the the simplest factors. Sometimes getting everyone to understand the situation from all angels is just not important. Keep it simple, is it worth getting hurt or hurting others over? Walk away. Bob, responsible to your children not for their actions, brilliant. Finally Jess, you know some of us of a certain persuasion are a little too familiar with guilt and too liberal with doling it out, but I do believe it has its occasional place. I think the idea of Your Farmer setting down a line to protect his lady from this unnecessary heartache is spot on. Men do not behave that way. Period.
To echo the most common comment, they are going to fight and you won’t achieve perfection. Kids argue all the time; f’in constantly. They play at arguing to learn how to handle conflicts in adult life. So having a goal of suppressing the conflicts is unreasonable and likely detrimental in the long run. So what’s the benefit? I suppose learning how to resolve conflicts. Certainly dealing with problems non-violently is the most basic. Your other friend’s comments are great and I noted several for myself.
I would add a point of my own (if it wasn’t made in a post I didn’t read through). There are general strategies to teach and discuss with your kids as well as associated discipline and reward techniques. However, we all have individual problems and personality traits that lead us to deal poorly with conflict. My oldest has a natural habit for starting unnecessary conflicts because he wants to dominate the game or rules of the game, etc. He is often reminded to not be so self centered. My middle boy is a lot like me and needs help to come down from a his “thunderstorms” as we call them. Our youngest blows small things out of proportion I guess; haven’t figured him out as much yet. So I guess I would say observe how the individual child tends to poorly deal with the conflicts and coach from there.
Lastly, apologies after things have settled down are big for me. If they are fighting they are both wrong and they lost the fight for themselves by losing control. Saying sorry is the right thing to do and it immediately feels good and reinforces itself.
But sometimes, sometimes I will just say, “If anyone wants to continue fighting they are going to have to fight me! Who wants to go?!”