Category Archives: Funny

Just For Laughs

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Little Cowgirl got a pink iPod Shuffle from Santa for Christmas this year.

We’ve had as much pleasure watching her enjoy as she has received from listening to it. We love to hear her sing along with the songs.

For this first month, she has been expressing surprise and excitement at the songs Santa knew she liked and loaded onto her iPod. Most recently, she yelled from the back of the suburban (in the louder-than-usual-because-I’m-wearing-headphones voice) “MOM! MY IPOD HAS ‘OH I SING OF LETTUCE” ON IT!”

…….?????????……..

I asked if she’d sing a little bit of it for me.

This is the song I never realized was about salad.

Have a great week!

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Five Things I learned about taking your children snow skiing for the first time…

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(1) Your first glimpse of the mountains will be more exciting than the last time you saw them (because this time you are going to ski down one!

(2) The closer you get, the more amazing the mountains will be. (Side note: people who get carsick should sit where they can see out the front window the best – in the front if you are an adult or in the middle of the back if you are in a carseat.)

(3) You will all look like cute little bundles of winter clothes – ask a nice stranger to take your picture.

(4) Remind your husband to take some pictures; he is actually much better at photography than you are.

(4b) There is nothing cuter than your honey and your littlest riding up the lift together.

(5) Put your children in ski school. They will be able to do this after a day (and a half):

Things I learned on our most recent Road Trip with Kids

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(1) Do not leave for a trip the morning after a Red-Neck New-Years 40th-Birthday Party when you were not the DD.

Yes, that is me singing karaoke wearing a bra that shows under my tank, feather earrings, a hunter’s hat and a (fake) tattoo. Also not pictured are the cammo army pants, belt with my name on the back, and shotgun. All redneck party items came from my own closet, thank you.

(2) Even if you have been identifying with the Libertarian Party and their principles, sometimes the 1980s reruns of “The Dukes of Hazard” are more intense than you bargained for, but they can sure help pass a 500-mile drive.

Oh NO! Will they get away from Boss Hog’s evil plan?!

(3) If there is an American Girl Doll store where you are going, and your daughter has an American Girl Doll, you should take her there despite your feelings about the expensive items. It will be fun and there will be a doll she will want her picture with.

A skiing American Girl Doll! Little Cowgirl used some Christmas money to buy her own doll a pair of pink eye glasses. No, I don’t know why aside from the fact that they may have been the only thing she could afford in the store besides a pair of doll panties.

(4) Do not brag about your dog to the people who have offered to watch her. Do not talk about her subservient nature and obedience training. She will run away and make you look like a complete ass hat.

(5) When your dog disappears in a large, strange, metropolitan area do everything you can to find her. Support your friends who she ran away from who are doing everything they can to find her. Sign up with lost pet sites, notify all the authorities and shelters, notify your veterinarian and microchip provider. When the flyers your friend napalmed the area with find your dog, take them champaign.

It will be worth all the effort in the end.

I am working on a post as a resource for owners who have lost a pet. I was fortunate to have so much help, and I’d like to pay it forward.

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Why am I holding a liver?

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My husband and I still laugh about a song we heard on a (comedy) radio morning show years ago. It had to do with why a person might suspect he has ADHD. The ‘main character’ in the skit is a genius surgeon, and throughout a surgery, once he says hand me the scalpel, he talks non-stop about seemingly unconnected things. Finally he ends with “why am I holding a liver?”

This is me.

I had been sitting at the computer for half an hour trolling through the year’s pictures. I couldn’t remember why I was looking through the pictures in the first place. Then I noticed a strange bonking sound. I went to find out what it was and realized that I’d put eggs on the stove to boil an promptly forgot about them once I sat in front of the laptop screen. As I was draining the eggs (they were VERY well done) I saw dirty dishes in the sink – which I thought I had already done. I opened the dishwasher to put the dishes in and found it was half full of clean dishes. Then I remembered that I had been emptying the washer of the clean dishes when I decided I would boil eggs at the same time because I was going to be in the kitchen anyway, so I had closed the door of the washer to get the pot I needed and forgotten about the clean dishes. This was beginning to make some sense now. I was really getting somewhere. I finished the dishes and the eggs were ready to come out of their cold water bath. I went to put them in the refrigerator and saw the first Christmas Card of the season hanging on the door. AHA! When I’d gone to retrieve the uncooked eggs the first time, I had seen that card and realized I had better get on the ball ordering my own if I wanted them out in a timely fashion.

Which reminded me – THAT’S why I had been looking at the pictures in the first place.

At which point I came full circle and headed for the computer again.

Why am I holding a liver?

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Conversation with a seven-year-old

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My daughter was over at a friend’s house.

She mentioned casually to the mother “Do you know my friend Jackson?”

Friend’s mother “Yes.”

Seven-year-old, “Well, when I grow up, I’m going to marry him.”

Friend’s mother (surprised), “Oh! I see…”

Seven-year-old, “I haven’t seen him in a while, so I can’t really remember what he looks like.”

My apologies…

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I realize I have been neglecting this space, and as such, neglecting you as well, dear reader.

We have been plagued this last six weeks with various illnesses (bronchitis for me, strep and regular old colds for the rest) that always come with autumn allergies and the evil sugar season (Halloween through New Years!).

But the real reason I’ve been posting less is because I’ve been cheating on this blog – my online time has been dedicated to instagram a little, but mostly to Pinterest. Have you discovered Pinterest?

It. Is. Killing. Me.

It is similar to falling in love. Like when I met My Farmer. I just cannot get enough. Every time we are together, I am completely unaware of time or space, so intensely am I focused on the present moment. When we are apart, I am thinking about the next time we can be together, and as much as possible of what I’m doing is focused on this relationship. I can’t sleep for thinking about it. When I wake up, it’s the first thing on my mind.

Here are the things I’ve been doing in real life, all of which came directly from my sordid affair with Pinterest:

I made a chocolate cake in which the main ingredient is beans. The children loved it.

I did my hair with 40′s flair and 60s style.

I created a refreshing, antioxidant-packed beverage.

I properly applied “smoky” eye makeup.

I cleaned my jewelry.

I hard boiled eggs in the oven. (I know. Mind blowing.)

I made a headband around little cowgirls hair with a braid of her hair. SWANK!

I baked healthy cookies that included fresh ginger and a banana.

I drank seventeen-ish new smoothie recipes.

I renewed my desire to be a hoarder because of all the crafty crap people make by up-cycling things. (Philosophical Crisis!)

I made five minute bread that actually took about an hour because I measured something wrong.

I transformed dried beans into something amazing and wonderful via that magical kitchen device they call a crock-pot.

I went to the grocery store and didn’t have room in my cart for all the things I wanted to use for Pinteresty ideas and recipes on top of what we actually needed.

I told a friend of mine it’s like having access to every issue of every magazine you ever loved for all time. Let me know if you are on Pinterest and I’m not following you – I’d love to! I’m sure there is something awesome you are doing that I should be trying!

Otherwise, if you need me I’ll be on Pinterest or in the kitchen.

Back by request: It all comes out in the wash – 9th edition

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1) A penny, a foreign coin of some sort.

2) A plastic key that came with some junk mail, currently the key to the clubhouse, I’m told.

3) Gifts from Nature.

4) Sighting scope from a cap gun.

5) Caps from said gun.

6) Bottle cap.

7) Twisty tie.

8) Corn kernel.

9) Collection of lego items, including Harry Potter cloak.

10) Various metal or broken pieces of something taken apart. I’m not asking what.

11) Hair tie, band aide remnant.

Anything interesting in your washing machine recently?

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Five Reasons I’m Not A Great Homeschooler

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There is no such thing as a perfect fit. How often do we find ourselves saying, “Well, in a perfect world…” but the ellipsis itself answers the question. Here are some reasons I’m not the world’s best homeschooling mother.

1) I have too much to do.

We run a large (comparing acres to number of employees) family farm. I do a large chunk of the office work, along with being ‘on call’ to run parts, people or vehicles at any time. I’m not sure it adds up to 40 a week, but it’s not too far from that. I volunteer in our Parish. I run (almost) every day. I blog (albeit inconsistently). I am obsessed with nutrition and want to make everything from scratch and have sliced, fresh, *living* food every day. I’m sure I don’t’ have to explain to you that there just aren’t THAT many hours in a single day. So I’m constantly juggling what needs to be done RIGHT NOW and what can wait a few days. Which brings us quickly to number two:

2) What can “wait a few days” is typically housework.

I have an entire category named “our house and the drudgery that is cleaning it.” Seriously, need I say much more? I try to stay on a schedule but honestly, it is never going to be as important to me as the items I just listed in my first reason. Which is such poor way of managing life because the secret here is that I absolutely HATE when the house gets away from me. It makes me crazy. And depressed. And I’m mortified when someone drops by, which is always (literally, without fail) one of the two weeks of the year I’ve literally let everything go.

3) Lack of patience.

Many of you who read this are going to laugh. How could a person who homeschools be impatient? Many of my friends will protest, “You are SO patient! I’ve seen you! You handle your children so well!” And to you my dear friend I say, could you please-please-pretty-pretty-please-with-sugar-on-top come and hang out at my house all the time? Because I am ever so much more patient with an audience.

4) I am overconfident.

I tend to be like this in every aspect of my life until reality (or having a baby) knocks me back with a hard punch of humility. I have an “everything is going to work out just perfectly” attitude about most everything, most of the time. It’s unrealistic and unfair. It sets me up for disappointment, and worse for disappointing.

5) Can anyone say scatterbrain?

My mother is still horrified because I admitted to her that (already) once this year I forgot to take my sixth grader to band. I mean it – completely forgot. Didn’t even realize it until the next day. I’ve done the same thing with tutoring. And playdates. And a dentist appointment. Once, at the end of a school year, I found an entire piece of curriculum I’d purchased and totally forgotten to use at any point. It wasn’t written on my schedule, so I never thought of it again (even though it was sitting right there on the school shelf alongside everything we were applying each day). Honestly, that’s quite ridiculous.

So there you have it. The top five items that create a poor fit between myself and our lifestyle. Yet I’m doing it, and it is going really well. Proof, once again, that if I can homeschool, anyone can.

Predictably, you can look for a post about why I’m great at homeschooling coming soon.

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Summer-Feral

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This is a replay of a popular post from last summer – I was reminded of it last night when my children came in the house at 10:00 (!). It had been dark for nearly an hour and they were the dirtiest they have ever been in their lives.
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It is usually sometime in July that you can be sure your school-aged children have completely exorcised the civilization and schedule of the other three seasons.  They are like calves who have been hand-fed, who are gentle and responsive, until they’ve gone out to pasture and experienced the far-reaching openness, the lush and expansive grasses, the coyotes and flies.  By autumn they have grown into wild, confident, wary beasts.  Here are some signs my children have been showing of becoming wild beasts:

 

When they wake in the morning, they immediately do one of the following things:

Turn on the television without even thinking to ask

Head out the door – still in their pajamas

Put on their bathing suit

 

Some physical signs that my children are savage:

Tan lines (I swear I sunscreen them…when I can catch them)

Hair that has been in the pool, dried on its own, washed before bed, slept on, and still hasn’t been combed as we head back for more swimming.

Energy expended depends on the placement of the sun in the sky and the resultant temperature.

 

 

Other random signs that my three children are good candidates for cro-magnon studies:

Unlikely to respond to calls sent outside in thier general direction unless they are hungry and the inside of the house smells like food.

Foraging behavior – for example, one day last week Farmer Boy never ate an actual meal, but grazed on an entire loaf of cinnamon-raisin bread.

Territorial conflicts are common and generally settled with war-like behavior.

 

I suggest there is a simple way to test whether or not your brood has gone summer-feral.  What were they wearing when they got up yesterday morning?  Ok, now…were they wearing the same thing when they went to bed?  Also ask yourself…how long has it been since they bathed?  I mean full-on, whole-body bathing that includes dressing, combing and primping afterwards?

 

What other signs of summer wildness have appeared around your home?